February 8, 2013

Sometimes the heart breaks in order for it to get bigger.
To no longer be fixed in a place of comfort, but to grow in a space of challenge and acceptance of the task to conquer those challenges.
Love and happiness are not pulled from a shelf, dusted off, and then put back on display.
They are worn in our voices, our posture, our smiles; they exist in our actions. They may come from within, but often times we take our own thoughts as the last ones to believe in. I needed to be shown what real love and happiness is. Everyone defines it differently to them, and for me it required a lot of consistency- 9 months of pushing him away and him being able to love me through his own heart break. I begged him to let me go. His love was too painful for me. Until the day I woke up and realized I deserved it. But by then, it was too late, he had let me go.
I struggle between moving forward in the hope of one thing or moving forward in the moment of the day at hand. Hope is a prison and a paradise.
I will continue to hope.

Hi Love-
I miss your great smile. I hear it over the phone, but it's not the same. I miss the eyes that took one look and knew what I was thinking and feeling. The feeling of your arms around me and my head on your chest..healing and accepting. But I can't live in that space..I visit it temporarily..any longer and I would drown. I think of you laughing and being comfortable and happy in your life. Of being the guy who is just trying to do the best that he can. What's that Garth Brooks song..."The Dance"- I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end, the way it all would go.... I could've missed the pain, but I'd had to miss the dance.
Always-
B.

Shoulds

There is no pillow so soft as a clear conscience. -French proverb

Often time’s people are so busy multi-tasking that each item on the to-do list gets only a few moments of attention. Running here and accommodating over there can frazzle even the most organized person. Parents spend weekends being coaches, chauffeurs, cheerleaders, cooks, and maids. Going from the moment their feet hit the ground and only stopping when exhaustion sets in long enough for them to fall asleep. Exhaustion waits for us to lie in bed and ruminate over the day’s activities as well as worry about the day to come. Mothers and fathers are endlessly worried that they aren’t doing enough. Somehow they believe that they weren’t good enough, patient enough, caring enough.

The truth is that they probably weren’t. Multi-tasking ensures that a group of things get done without any guarantee of them being done well. Life is so filled up with the next thing on the agenda that people often don’t even experience the last thing. The feeling it leaves behind is a vague restlessness of the mind. Leaving people worried that they lost their keys or their phone only to find them right where they left them. That restlessness is because of all the frayed loose ends that continue to hang in our subconscious. The boys’ basketball game that was missed because of the ballet lessons. The drive thru dinner that was bought because there wasn’t time to go to the store or the energy to make something at home that plays with our guilty conscious or the yelling match over laundry because of short tempers caused by a long day.

Our society is filled with people who “should” all over themselves. I should’ve done this. I should’ve done that. I should’ve should’ve should’ve….and the list continues on. “Should” makes for a terrible pillow. Who do those shoulds belong to anyway? How important are they? Do they really exist? Slowing down and doing less is a sure fire way to enjoy life so much more. Those to-do lists are tackled one item at a time when the time is right and each element will get the attention, the care and concern, it deserves. Living life at a slower place SHOULD definitely help you sleep better at night. 

Protect Your Heart

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. -Proverbs 4:23

To think of one’s heart, most folks don’t think about the cardiac muscle that sits in the middle of their chest giving us life. The “heart” of someone is more quickly equated with someone’s ability to be gracious and empathetic, to be loving and caring. The heart of someone is a symbol of that person’s sum total of life experiences and that person’s tendencies to respond and interact with another person. Most everyone knows someone who is negative and opinionated and that less than pleasant person to be around is given a blanket pass to act in a rude manner. “Don’t mind him, he’s always grumpy.”  Like the Grinch, the assumption is made that they have hearts made of stone.

Why is that? What benefit does the Grinch have of being grumpy? Certainly doesn’t tend to bring around friends and family. Very likely co-workers go out of their way to avoid dealing with him. These responses end up leaving the Grinch in a self fulfilling prophecy. Life around him becomes proof that he’s right to be negative, closed minded, opinionated and unhappy. One can almost see flowers wilting in his presence. How can things ever change for the Grinch? His skepticism leaves every positive encounter as merely a bid by someone to dupe him. He refuses to know otherwise.

The great thing about this analogy is that no one actually has a heart made of stone. The sum total of our experiences is constantly changing and growing with every tick of the clock. We are not our past. Our heart is not relegated to a life of unhappiness because of the unfairness of life, or being dealt a rotten hand. No, our heart is malleable, bendable. We must take care to stand up for our heart in times of unjustness. We must not let our heart be abused or bullied. We must remember that what comes from the spirit of our heart is the whole world at our feet and that no one and nothing is worth giving that up. 

Whose breath are you taking?

“Life isn’t made up of the breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away.”

The world works in mysterious ways. Our population grows and our connectedness to each other diminishes. Technology advances, sheep get cloned, and far away galaxies are discovered, while our senses are overloaded by amazing visuals and sound right in our own homes. Movies transport us to those galaxies and we can experience things in IMAX. Our sense of awe has been so inundated and overexposed that one can easily miss the everyday wonders that fill the surroundings.

Children watch movies in the car, not the passing of the seasons. Dinner comes in paper bags handed out windows. The forgotten elderly sit in homes with others who have no family or no one to claim them. The destitute and deranged are left to their own devices.

When lives are remembered and loved ones pass on, what will be the measure of that man or woman? What imprint on history will we leave? Busy schedules and busy lives leave very little room for living. Living in the moment of a beautiful day, breathing in the tenderness of a good bye hug or fully enjoying the laughter shared with friends. Are we truly living lives capable of taking our breath away?

Our greatest triumph as the human race will not be the leaps and bounds we make in the great sciences or the ability to accumulate material wealth. Our triumph will be to fill a world with goodwill even if society may tell us there is nothing to be gained by it. Our triumph will be our treatment of those less fortunate than ourselves. Our imprint will be the degree of selflessness we teach our children and in turn the wonderful cataclysmic effect that humble attitude will have on generations to come.

If life is to be measured, let it not be by our own good fortune but by the simple acts of kindness we extend to all we meet. How many people have you made gasp in wonderful surprise from the simple kindness you offered?

January 21, 2013- Righting wrongs

I know a young man in California, we had a brief flirtation a few years back, and we have recently had the opportunity to catch up via text. He asked for advice on women. He said that he met plenty of women but that it never really panned out.  I offered him some tips on approaching women and little things to boost his confidence. A week or so went by and he told me that a girl he had been getting to know and really starting to like, pulled the rug out from under him because she met someone else. Now, I pegged it instantly that she was young (23 maybe he said) and knowing what I know of this guy I offered this advice:
                   "It's easy to get caught up in the compliments and the fantasy. We've all done it. But really it's good if you think about it, serves proof that you're willing, when the right person comes along, to invest in a relationship."
I then asked him a question that I am sure made him roll his eyes...I asked him if he loved himself. We all know how much men love these kinds of questions. When he finally answered he said he didn't think so.
Then I went on to say that most people have a lot of negative self talk (80% of all our thoughts are negative), the way we criticize ourselves is awful. We would never treat a friend that way (probably not even a stranger) but we continue to beat ourselves up everyday. We have expectations of ourselves that are so completely out of touch with reality that God himself couldn't live up to them. Really, I'm supposed to wake up energized and happy? (not on your life). Working mothers are supposed to be loving, supportive, caring, a perfect disciplinarian, a devoted and sex crazed wife, never losing their temper, never wanting to punch their husbands in the throat and for the love of God they should have a clean house all the while (sign me up for that job!).
I've had a huge problem with this all my life..and what ended up happening is that I could never believe or really accept love from another person, and could you imagine how terrifying marriage really is to me...my overblown expectations of being a single person are horrifying enough, imagine when I am in coupledom and take on the responsibility of someone elses TOTAL HAPPINESS! And kids? shit..how would my head not just shatter into a million bits? And don't get me started on guilt. At what point do we just stop it all?  Looking in the mirror and saying that there is no way I am loved for my looks, so there has to be an ulterior motive. Knowing in the core of my being that I was unlovable. (Isn't that crazy..I'm so awesome..I mean..what the hell was I thinking??)

If you're reading this right now and shaking your head in acknowledgment then I have this to say to you: You are a perfectionist. You want answers instantly and even though you can be arrogant about your intellectual abilities, you are ridiculing yourself constantly about every other detail in your life. You keep score. You don't intend to "give" in order to "get" but when all things boil down to the bare bones...you feel disappointed when someone doesn't reciprocate an action or a sentiment the way you hoped. "After all I've done? That's what I get?" Am I close? Are you going to let that abusive bastard talk to you that way?

Moving back to Indiana was cathartic for me. I feel at home in my own skin for the first time in a decade. That alone, allowed me to loosen the vice grip of negativity that kept playing in my mind. I got sleep and I slept well, allowing me to wake up and feel able to accomplish things. Before I would berate myself about not having the energy to get done everything that I thought SHOULD get done- I would lose before I even began. Now I imagine that the voice in my head is really talking to my dearest friend and guess what..I'm encouraging, forgiving, funny, relaxed and I don't give a damn if the litter box gets cleaned out today or not.
But the most amazing thing of all is that the people that I loved before...I love more than ever now. My heart has exponentially grown overnight because I finally feel their love. Wait, no....I finally have allowed myself to believe their love was real. Taking away that self loathing and replacing it with the gentle knowledge that we are all fallible, that we are not defined by what we don't, but by what we do, and that it's ok to like the person we've become, maybe even love them.

There is someone in my life that I need to apologize to- for not trusting the love, the care and the happiness that they were trying to give...
Dear Self- I am so very sorry for abusing you mentally and emotionally all these years. For undermining your good moods, for picking apart everything you have ever done, and for planting seeds of doubt and negativity in every relationship you have ever had- for all these things I am so very sorry. And self- if you have in fact lost the love of your life forever, then please know, that I will sit with you through your pain and loss for as long as you need, I will wipe your tears and hold your soul until you are ready to stop grieving and able to move on. I will be there to remind you that to be human is to be capable of making mistakes and that no one will die because of it. I will spend the rest of my life righting the wrongs I've done to you.
Your Soul Mate-
Me

My Letter for Susana and Jose July 2012

                                                                                                                                                                                July 29, 2012

To whom it may concern,

                I am so privileged to be able to speak to the character of Susana and Jose.  My first recollection of them as a couple was in late December of 2007. Their son, Joseph, had been born with multiple complex heart defects and hours after his birth he underwent massive reconstructive surgery.  I heard about Jose and Susana before I actually met them. There was a rumor going around our hospital unit that Jose had parked their car on the top floor of the parking garage across from Susana’s hospital room and wrote a big message on the window “You’re the best Mom in the world. I love you Susana”.  So you can imagine hearing a story like that you want to see for yourself who these people were. They didn’t disappoint.  I saw them bring Joseph into his room after surgery and knew he was very sick. When they brought Jose and Susana to see Joseph for the first time you can imagine just how devastating it was for them to see their first born son full of tubes, connected to every monitor imaginable.  The love and grace from them and between them was just as touching on that day as every day that followed.  Joseph was looked after by the nursing staff and the physicians, but we could never give him what his family did.  There was always someone in the room with him, practically a 24 hour vigil. This went on until early April when they lost their beautiful baby boy. 

                You can judge the character of someone in all manner of ways. I met Joseph’s big sister Joseline during this time and I have never met such a beautiful, mature, polite, and well behaved little girl. When they redecorated her bedroom in pink princess colors, there was never a little girl who deserved it more. She was raised by parents that spoiled her with love and affection but instilled in her the very same grace and respect that they valued.  I will be a better parent having known them.

                The heartbreaking loss of Joseph on April 4^th was a pain I could never endure again. He was not my child. They were not my family. I wanted more than anything to do something to make it somehow have meaning. I stopped doing pediatric nursing.  We have stayed in touch and on December 27^th every year I say a prayer for them and think Joseph would have been 2, 3, 4, and this year he would have been 5.   People who are careless with their lives, with their values, and with their morals do not stay in your soul. Susana, Jose, Joseline, Joseph, and their newest addition Jose will always be in my heart.  They are truly wonderful people.

Warm Regards,

Brooke Albertson, RN

January 4, 2013

So there I was ...dressy jeans and a black turtle neck sweater at a bar, by myself (no one else to go with me). Wearing pearl earrings for reasons I can't quite remember at this juncture. I'm a sucker for live music. Smoky rooms. Men with wedding rings. Ok...that last one only applies to tonight...he was adorable. and British. Anyway....a short lived flirtation is always a good thing.
I sat there while an over weight, although very talented, woman sang  "Party Rock" by LMFAO. I was instantly taken to the club at the Cosmopolitan in Las Vegas called Marquee. A place that had an incredible Monday night and that I went to probably a handful of times by myself (no one else around to go with me). On one particular night I was only slightly confused by the neon confetti, the ridiculous spandex, and some freaky skinny guy with a Fro that came out on stage...I had no idea who LMFAO was...but you can bet I did after that night.. What a great time..that place was an undulating wave of ecstasy. Not the drug. Just a vibe of brilliantly bright happiness. To sit in Indianapolis listening to a band cover something that I found so incredible at the time was....needless to say, bittersweet. I've been so fortunate to have such amazing memories. To have lived such wonderful places in this country and taken advantage of the best there was to offer.  It's addictive really. Going out. Not knowing where I might end up. Not knowing what I might find at the other side of my imagination. It's never really risky, although there are those who would be terrified to walk in the shoes I find so comfortable. It's not uncomfortable to me to be alone in public. I ate sushi alone tonight. I went to a bar alone to watch a band. I, by my own very strict criteria, am a very good date. What is the use of being single and amazing if it's not to go and do exactly what I want to do?

At 36 years old I am comfortable with a lot of things about myself. It's taken 36 years to get here, and I'm sure many more to get the rest of the way, but I'm happy with who I am, what I know, and my tendencies in life. I only hope that half the people I know are as comfortable in their own lives as I am in mine.

I've recently acquired some information. I'm not someone that goes around spouting religious ideologies. When I find something of value, I like to pass it along. Something like "Paying it Forward"...
I've always felt, and I guess believed, that life itself is just the tip of the iceberg. There is something so softly nagging and ever so insistent that has continually pulled on my conscious. Church Bound God has never made an impression. Preaching completely opposing views and never really saying anything of substance made me believe that Church was the last place I would find answers. I've been fortunate to be at the death beds of many, many people. To watch as they go. More often than not, it isn't with the last physical breath. Our loved ones most often leave us sooner than their earthly bodies do. We grieve at the side of soul less human forms. A most perfect example of the efficiency of such a complex creation. We can do our biding for days, sometimes weeks, until the body finally surrenders. Those who look, who feel, who listen with not just their eyes and ears, but with the core of their being, know when a loved one is out of earthly reach. The conundrum comes when the decision needs to be made about the next step...letting nature take it's course..and not the medical institution as we know it. For all those who have had a near death experience, I wonder how close they were to the death of the body? Were family members discussing over dark hospital hallways the idea of pulling the plug? Did they some how come back just in time? Is it all part of a bigger plan?
Consciousness. The minds ability to think, laugh, make jokes....to be human, are all about our consciousness.  Where does our consciousness come from? Where in the deep recesses of our mind does consciousness flow from?
Can I ask how to discern if my reality is the same as yours? If I ask you in my life- then it is only my reality that I am conscious of...I can not speak of anyone else's. There's a chance that this life is a "dream scape". A living, breathing motion picture of my own development, for my own betterment. It could, in fact be, the Matrix. LMFAO.
And around we go again.
What is, is what was, and what always will be.
In the end..we are all more than our physical selves.

Dear Om,
The people who have just read this blog post are probably scratching their heads and wondering what kind of sushi I ate. It's all good. But you know that already. Your faithful servant, Brooke laughing my fucking ass off Albertson.