August 28th, 2011

So there I was...(THERE YOU WERE!) Walking down Telegraph Ave in Berkeley California. I'm not even going to MENTION that I needed a winter coat for the 61 degree temperatures...In front of me walked a young man with white daisy duke shorts on, cowboy boots, carrying a big purse and wearing a shirt that said "Born this Gay". I decided that he was the walking definition of redundant. It would be like me wearing a tight t-shirt that said "muffin top made by Hostess Cupcakes". People don't need the obvious pointed out. Well..some people might. And those people are the reason McDonald's has crazy stupid warnings on their coffee cups.
That's all for now. Thank you. And God...see.. I was on my best behavior. I didn't make fun of the fat woman (350+) on the moaning personal scooter with an oxygen tank and "Fit4Life" bag on the side. So now there is no reason you should continue punishing me by keeping my fridge warm. (and to make it up to me I will gladly accept your offer of a gratuitous computing error on my paycheck in my favor). Your faithful servant, Brooke (aka Fatty)

August 22, 2011

So there I was....(There you were!     bravo..you're learning). So proud of my healthy shopping spree at Whole Foods Sunday morning and feeling like a million bucks and after a restful day of sleep in preparation for my long 12 hour night shift at the hospital I woke up and  to my utter annoyance, no scratch that, to my fucking complete disbelief and core shaking rage that my refrigerator is again ...warm. My frozen foods could be cut with a butter knife. If you haven't been privy to my appliance issues, let me recap...the fucking fridge hates me. Since moving in to my very cute, cozy with an amazing view of Las Vegas even though I live in the ghetto condo, my refrigerator has stopped cooling 3 times. Ask me how many times I've gone to the grocery store since moving into said cute ghetto condo... yes.. 3. But this time..my beautiful ,organic, fair trade goodies will not be spoiled. No way am I wasting another $100 of groceries or playing the guessing game of whether or not I will be in the ER with food poisoning (Thank You cute hunky, muscle bound doctor for getting me in and out in 2 1/2 hours). So I packed that shit up in the uber cute 'save the planet' reusable grocery bags and took my happy ass and all my cold foods to work. You bet your sweet ass I used my work refrigerator to store my food. And as it is still there, monopolizing space and tempting over worked, under paid, highly stressed out nurses to possibly eat it..I am looking for a foster fridge. A loving environment where my cold foods can rest easy knowing that they will not perish from this earth without giving the pleasure they were born to give. I have no stipulations as to the family situation of my foster fridge. Single parent, fine. Bickering, middle aged assholes, great. My requirement is only that you leave a little for me. My Cilantro Pesto naan pizzas, my yummy vanilla Kefir, the ever so irresistable frozen strawberry bars with chunks of real strawberries..have one..just leave some for me so that in 6 years when I find a suitable, long term cooling device for my beautiful, organic, fair trade goodies .. I can enjoy them as their rightful owner.
And God, I apologize for my assholeyness in previous blog. I am deeply apologetic for my blasphemy, and will serve a just penance. But God, could you send a repairman that doesn't look at me like I'm a doe eyed pea brained dimwit, who will listen to my explanation of abbarant refrigerator behavior and preferably not be a COMPLETE FUCKING MORON! Would be much appreciated. Respectfully, your faithful servant, Brooke.

August 19-2011

So there I was- being whisked away, all a surprise, for my birthday. (please let it be a spa day, please let it be a spa day, please please please) When I was escorted to the pool of a nice Resort/Casino. Yes..ok..I was ok with it being a pool day, as there are generally many many alcoholic beverages consumed beside Las Vegas pools. BUT>>>ah ha...he was just trying to throw off my scent, because we quickly veered towards the..you guessed it...SPA! I love feeling all froo froo she she in big cozy spa robes with all those soft soothing sounds of ...Michelle laughing? My co-worker, love love love her, needs a volume dial! But I would not be deterred from my relaxation..massage, facial, and pedicure (silently stabbing the woman in the pedicure chair beside me as she blabs away on her cell phone). All in all..very very FROO FROO SHE SHE..and therefore, just what I needed. The best part of the Spa was us four girls sitting by the pool, downing 3 PITCHERS of raspberry margaritas! and watching Michelle re-enact some of the moves she learned at her pole dancing class! (Nice work Dixie!) The discussion was of the usual girlfriend variety- men, sex, and men, and one disturbingly funny recounting of a particular brown eye. Such a lovely afternoon talking about various dicks (literal and figuritive) we've come across in our lives, as this really was our maiden voyage into such discussions and we all needed each others backgrounds! So that of course, our next girls day can be spent discussing politics and the finer art of hair removal.  It was all over way too quickly, but that was just our time at the Spa- we were expected someplace that evening to continue the festivities.
Friends/co-workers and Gigolos? Yes..my birthday EXTRAVAGANZA was shared with the filming of some Showtime Reality show called Gigolos. He was not hot- and she definitely needed to pay for it. What is the world coming too?
Many laughs, plenty of drinks and lots of memories made up my perfect Birthday. All made possible by the man in my life Jeff..he's so dreamy.