So apparently it's the first day of summer. Living somewhere that actually has seasons is refreshing, even if this particular season seems to make areas of my body sweat in volumes I would rather not talk about. I mean...one of the many questions I would ask the almighty creator would be "what in the hell is accomplished with sweat that can run down the crack of my back door business?" Let's talk necessity here. Have you ever thought to yourself, Self- 'Thank God I'm sweating like a whore in church, it is really cooling off my ass crack.' Or have you needed to jump in the pool while laying out because doing so will cool off your poop shoot? NO. I'm thinking that there are places that sweat glands should and should not be. Can I get an Amen? I will not bring up my dismay of sweaty buddha belly rolls. Sometimes, it's better to just stay inside. (a pondering just crossed my brain- maybe the sweaty crack is why all the gangsta wanna be's walk around with their underwear showing- letting that crack breath a little! Like a fine red wine).
Other questions I might consider posing to the One who knows everything-
1. See above paragraph
2. Who died and made you boss?
3. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
4. Where's the beef?
5. What came first, the chicken or the egg?
6. Does everyone think I'm hysterical or just the people that know me?
7. Why does my nose itch immediately after I put on sterile gloves?
8. If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one around to hear it, does it still make sound?
9. If a man talks in the woods and there is no one around to hear him, is he still wrong?
10. What is the purpose of the appendix (in our bodies, not the one in books, duh!)
11. Does that dress make my butt look fat?
12. Do all dogs go to Heaven?
13. Are we all really in the Matrix?
14. What is the purpose of life?
15. Could I dig my way to China?
16. Is there anybody OUT THERE?
17. Will you tell Beetle when she gets there that she really was THE BEST DOG EVER!
Dear One who knows everything-
I have enclosed these questions as a brief sampling of the many, many questions that plague us humans. We would like answers, either via email, text, or YouTube video.
Sincerely, Your faithful servant- Brooke-no-I-didn't-pee-my-pants-that's- just-my-ass-sweat-Albertson
Friday, June 21, 2013
Monday, June 17, 2013
June 17, 2013
So here I am- wondering what in the Sam Hill I've been doing that has kept me from blogging. I mean..let's be honest, I didn't expect my fast paced, glamorous lifestyle in Indianapolis to keep me so busy. What with all the traffic jams behind tractors and parades of Geese as well as standing in line at Walmart, I can't seem to find a free minute! Jealous aren't ya? Vegas has nothing on this place!
My ass size has resembled a slinky: wide then thin (-er). Not sure what that is all about. Oh..well there was the HCG diet that I did and lost 25 lbs. That was pretty cool, but even now while I'm staying at the same weight it seems to undulate for reasons I don't quite grasp. Is gravity different here in Indiana? Or is my buddha belly moving from front to back without my permission?
Another phenomena that I am none to pleased about is that A LOT of women in Indiana have cute short hair do's. I am no longer a hairstyle minority. It's like that craze for Jennifer Aniston's hairstyle back in the 90's. This must be a midwest thing. So of course I tried making my style somewhat more trendy, you know blow drying it more forward and such. Made me look like an elderly Justin Beiber. I thought about going all Miley Cyrus with the long mohawk thing, but realized, just in time, that she's been on the verge of going off the deep end and really I've done crazy and I'm all set with that. There was a brief thought on getting extensions and then I realized that I've got no funds for that unless I start manufacturing some sort of illegal substance with the ingredients of ephedrine, battery acid, and ground glass. We all know I can't cook and so I chalked up that potential money maker to lack of ability. So I guess I will grow out my fro which will put my hairstyle in the "MOM Zone" of hairstyles for the next gazillion years. UGH...no offense to any of you Moms. This isn't too bad if this is the worst tragedy I've had to endure so far.
My doctor actually asked me about my thoughts on having children. He gave me that "your clock is ticking and really if you're gonna do it you might want to think about cutting down on your shenanigans and look for a potential sperm donor/father/ child support provider" talk. I basically gave him my "if I wanted any oral diarrhea about my advanced maternal age, I would just ask my father for advice on this subject" look, but only replied with a very basic..yeah, I know.
Children. As in those beings that would inherit some of my genetics, and the genetics of someone who felt it was a good idea to procreate with me (God knows that automatically makes them not so bright). We're talking a child that could very well be snarky, smart, chubby, who excels at parallel parking. I think it's hard pressed to believe we need more of those types in the world. Although....passing on my charming sarcasm and unstoppable wit would be worth further consideration. To be honest, I would really only become impregnated if I accidentally fell on some sperm that just happened to be in my way and we all know I'm no Mary!
Dear Fertility Goddess-
Keep your crack whore ideas of me being a mother to yourself and stop trying to kick start my biological clock because it's really not a great idea. I mean really, my crowning achievement in the last 6 months is that I was able to mimic the hairstyle of a Teeny bopping man-child. So that's all I've got to say about that.
Your faithful servant- Brooke-cobwebs-in-my-uterus-Albertson
My ass size has resembled a slinky: wide then thin (-er). Not sure what that is all about. Oh..well there was the HCG diet that I did and lost 25 lbs. That was pretty cool, but even now while I'm staying at the same weight it seems to undulate for reasons I don't quite grasp. Is gravity different here in Indiana? Or is my buddha belly moving from front to back without my permission?
Another phenomena that I am none to pleased about is that A LOT of women in Indiana have cute short hair do's. I am no longer a hairstyle minority. It's like that craze for Jennifer Aniston's hairstyle back in the 90's. This must be a midwest thing. So of course I tried making my style somewhat more trendy, you know blow drying it more forward and such. Made me look like an elderly Justin Beiber. I thought about going all Miley Cyrus with the long mohawk thing, but realized, just in time, that she's been on the verge of going off the deep end and really I've done crazy and I'm all set with that. There was a brief thought on getting extensions and then I realized that I've got no funds for that unless I start manufacturing some sort of illegal substance with the ingredients of ephedrine, battery acid, and ground glass. We all know I can't cook and so I chalked up that potential money maker to lack of ability. So I guess I will grow out my fro which will put my hairstyle in the "MOM Zone" of hairstyles for the next gazillion years. UGH...no offense to any of you Moms. This isn't too bad if this is the worst tragedy I've had to endure so far.
My doctor actually asked me about my thoughts on having children. He gave me that "your clock is ticking and really if you're gonna do it you might want to think about cutting down on your shenanigans and look for a potential sperm donor/father/ child support provider" talk. I basically gave him my "if I wanted any oral diarrhea about my advanced maternal age, I would just ask my father for advice on this subject" look, but only replied with a very basic..yeah, I know.
Children. As in those beings that would inherit some of my genetics, and the genetics of someone who felt it was a good idea to procreate with me (God knows that automatically makes them not so bright). We're talking a child that could very well be snarky, smart, chubby, who excels at parallel parking. I think it's hard pressed to believe we need more of those types in the world. Although....passing on my charming sarcasm and unstoppable wit would be worth further consideration. To be honest, I would really only become impregnated if I accidentally fell on some sperm that just happened to be in my way and we all know I'm no Mary!
Dear Fertility Goddess-
Keep your crack whore ideas of me being a mother to yourself and stop trying to kick start my biological clock because it's really not a great idea. I mean really, my crowning achievement in the last 6 months is that I was able to mimic the hairstyle of a Teeny bopping man-child. So that's all I've got to say about that.
Your faithful servant- Brooke-cobwebs-in-my-uterus-Albertson
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