So here I am, sitting in my cozy little apartment in Indianapolis. On New Year's Eve. Alone.
I laugh at the idea that I couldn't think of anything I wanted to do more than this. It doesn't help that the snot slide now in use on the front of my face leads me to believe that I'm not suitable for the public. I was given a binder of all of my blogs from my sister Kelly for Christmas. Reading them, completely sober, I still laugh out loud. I'm not sure if that's a good thing.
I'm trying to conjure up the strength to make a list of New Year's Resolutions....which I will aptly title : Things I very highly doubt I will ever do in 2013
1. Begin to exercise. (I feel it's time for someone to rewrite the definition of exercise)
Now I know there's some uber excited Barbie look alike- Richard Simmons sounding guru out there that would say that my first goal is not specific enough and therefore doomed to fail...so before you people go all ape shit on me..I'll start over and try to be more specific.
1. Participate in some form of activity that requires motion of my body that would not otherwise be done, on a daily basis lasting somewhere between 5-60 minutes.
2. Eat foods that are actually made of food. Basically limit the amount of maltodextran, sodium benzoate, and other unknown foreign substances. Maybe starting with adding an apple a day.
3. Floss everyday.
4. Take my vitamins and whole food supplements every day.
5. Meditate, not just when in line at Walmart in an attempt to thwart my desire to pummel the person in front of me with a can of corn because of a ridiculous price check.
6. never make a list of things to do more than 5 items long. Let's not get stressed out about being overly busy!
Dear Holiest of Holies- It was awesome that the world didn't in fact END this month. But with that being said I would like to put in a few requests for 2013.. Please, enough snow already. If you have any ideas about unplanned pregnancies, please surprise those who are excited by the prospect. May the Fiscal Cliff drop us all off into a huge pile of Gold at the end of the unseen Rainbow. Last. but MOST importantly, let the pregnancy of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West not end with the birth of the worlds largest ego maniac (Thanks my friend for that perfect description). Your faithful Servant Brooke, this snot slide is not open to the public, Albertson
Monday, December 31, 2012
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
December 18, 2012
Does anyone else freak out when getting a massage? You know...they "step out" to let you get undressed and it's like BAM!!!! How fast can I possibly take my clothes off and place them somewhat neatly (read: ugly lady undergarments hidden from sight) and jump over the table a la the Duke's of Hazzard so that I might get under the covers before the masseuse walks back in. Is it just me? And seriously..after working up a sweat it usually takes them a good 3 minutes more before they ever even knock..so why am I complete lunatic....?? Seriously...this person is about to rub their lotioned up hands all over my body- like touching skin on skin- and I'm worried that someone might see my opossum (yes it is spelt with an o- I know things!) OH...you gave me that look because I called my woman-ness a North American Marsupial. Hey..it's better than cheeseburger- or snatch. Really - snatch..how completely foul of a word...although I do kinda giggle when I say it. Snatch. Ridiculous right? Every time I see that title for the movie Brad Pitt was in I just cringe..I haven't even watched it for fear of it being about a bunch of funky vaginas.
I feel this might not be appropriate water cooler conversation but definitely appropriate Happy Hour conversation! Please......discuss.
But really..is it just me in the Speed Undressing Olympics??
On a more serious note. Nah. Never mind. Yeah--- like I could go without speaking my mind. Something tragic happened in Connecticut on Dec 14, 2012. Young Children were killed. I don't really consider myself "media" but I would hate to be a hypocrite- The Media sensationalizes everything! Maybe if people started realizing that negative attention is still attention then we wouldn't be having all these students "Columbine-ing" all over this damn country. I understand that news is news, but in my opinion news is one thing and the complete and utter destruction of lives is another. I realize that in other countries there are teachers who carry guns on field trips and that suicide bombers are a dime a dozen and in that regard we don't know anything when it comes to public acts of violence. I would just like to ask about how many inner city schools have deaths by violence that we never hear about??? Is one students life lost more tragic than another because of their economic social status? Has anyone else noticed this? Do we not hear about Gangs shooting up schools because it doesn't happen? Because they know that shit is fucked up! and they do all their shootin' on the mean streets?? And seriously- I would like..just once- a news anchor to say- "26 people were killed at an Elementary School by some obviously psychotic, desperately pathetic loser" what are they worried about...hurting a murderous assholes feelings? Is there some reason why these nut jobs aren't called out at face value? Why are we so willing to spare society an accurate description of the assailant being totally and completely vicious? Freedom of Speech goes in all directions. Do you think the majority of people feel that the parents had NO IDEA their kid was going to go ballistic someday? That they didn't have the slightest inkling that maybe he was 20 paces off center and not even therapy and drugs were helping him. How many teachers did he pass by that knew he was whacked out when he, himself was in school? Why aren't these desperately sick kids getting help, even if it means institutionalization? Why? Because instead...we load them up with anti psychotics, anti-anxiety, anti-mentally insane drugs and keep our fingers crossed that they take them everyday. Let's just hope for the best that little Johnny behaves.
I'm taking donations for the purchase of a Caribbean Island for those who have been tested and found to be not crazy. Any takers on real estate?
Dear God-
It's beyond any one's comprehension as to how someone could kill 26 people, with 20 of those not even having an age in the double digits. From Tsunamis to murderous acts of insanity- this Christmas season is marked by way to many people as a time to mourn. My heart reaches out, not to the dead and their living counter parts- but to the remaining of us who have been so blessed to go unscathed, to do what is right. Help us help each other. Help us put aside our pride, our fear, and our disinterest to reach out and do what is absolutely essential.
Your faithful servant- Brooke-current gold medalist in the undressing Olympics- Albertson
I feel this might not be appropriate water cooler conversation but definitely appropriate Happy Hour conversation! Please......discuss.
But really..is it just me in the Speed Undressing Olympics??
On a more serious note. Nah. Never mind. Yeah--- like I could go without speaking my mind. Something tragic happened in Connecticut on Dec 14, 2012. Young Children were killed. I don't really consider myself "media" but I would hate to be a hypocrite- The Media sensationalizes everything! Maybe if people started realizing that negative attention is still attention then we wouldn't be having all these students "Columbine-ing" all over this damn country. I understand that news is news, but in my opinion news is one thing and the complete and utter destruction of lives is another. I realize that in other countries there are teachers who carry guns on field trips and that suicide bombers are a dime a dozen and in that regard we don't know anything when it comes to public acts of violence. I would just like to ask about how many inner city schools have deaths by violence that we never hear about??? Is one students life lost more tragic than another because of their economic social status? Has anyone else noticed this? Do we not hear about Gangs shooting up schools because it doesn't happen? Because they know that shit is fucked up! and they do all their shootin' on the mean streets?? And seriously- I would like..just once- a news anchor to say- "26 people were killed at an Elementary School by some obviously psychotic, desperately pathetic loser" what are they worried about...hurting a murderous assholes feelings? Is there some reason why these nut jobs aren't called out at face value? Why are we so willing to spare society an accurate description of the assailant being totally and completely vicious? Freedom of Speech goes in all directions. Do you think the majority of people feel that the parents had NO IDEA their kid was going to go ballistic someday? That they didn't have the slightest inkling that maybe he was 20 paces off center and not even therapy and drugs were helping him. How many teachers did he pass by that knew he was whacked out when he, himself was in school? Why aren't these desperately sick kids getting help, even if it means institutionalization? Why? Because instead...we load them up with anti psychotics, anti-anxiety, anti-mentally insane drugs and keep our fingers crossed that they take them everyday. Let's just hope for the best that little Johnny behaves.
I'm taking donations for the purchase of a Caribbean Island for those who have been tested and found to be not crazy. Any takers on real estate?
Dear God-
It's beyond any one's comprehension as to how someone could kill 26 people, with 20 of those not even having an age in the double digits. From Tsunamis to murderous acts of insanity- this Christmas season is marked by way to many people as a time to mourn. My heart reaches out, not to the dead and their living counter parts- but to the remaining of us who have been so blessed to go unscathed, to do what is right. Help us help each other. Help us put aside our pride, our fear, and our disinterest to reach out and do what is absolutely essential.
Your faithful servant- Brooke-current gold medalist in the undressing Olympics- Albertson
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
December 11, 2012
The list of things that have happened since my last blog is mind boggling.
Here are the highlights: depression, exhaustion, Hawaii with Suzanne (afuckingmazing), Obama re-elected, got the hell out of dodge (read Vegas), Aunt died (RIP Heidy with a Y-), new apartment in Indianapolis, pissed off some nurses in a peer interview- didn't get an ER job, spent 3 nights in my apartment TOTAL in the 20 days I've had it, have been living a guilt trip of my own mental making because of the great man who loves me, who I can't reciprocate the feelings for and last but not least-scrapped ice off my windshield for the first time in 6 years. 2 Weeks until Christmas...and it's so great to be home. I'm serious. No really.
To Summarize that lengthy list- I've gained 10 pounds from the sitting. Sitting on the plane, sitting on the beach, sitting in the car, sitting in the hospital, sitting at the funeral, sitting in the car some more. Sitting inside because it's the freaking North Pole out there at 31 degrees! The way awesome thing though is that when I went to buy some fat jeans I was very excited that they were in fact the same size as I have been wearing...just different brands....you know...us Midwestern girls sometimes wear a more husky cut !!!! That's awful. Please don't call me husky. or burly. or chunky. or corn fed. And...no, I'm really not big boned either.
I'm just going to call it my holiday weight.
It is what it is.
Those are the most ridiculous 5 words ever put together that I've ever heard. I'm guilty of saying them because I can't say what I'm really thinking. It is what it is...no shit. If it was what it wasn't, then it wouldn't be what it isn't and it's still the same damn thing. So I say...let's do away with redundant, ridiculousness and not be afraid to say...just deal with it. As an adult, I've done my fair share of belly aching, but when I finally realized being a whining, bitching and moaning woman of a certain age was really unflattering, I cut back tremendously on my diet of "that's bullshit"; "some people are morons"; "this place sucks"; and so on and so forth....
I figure if I want my happily ever after I better not start off being a grumpy old maid.
Dear Past, Present and Future-
You've always been with me. Teaching me, reminding me-sometimes gently and sometimes with a big punch in the gut, and leading me to the person I am and will be. Thank you for being real and unwavering in your quest of making me a better person. You have taught me the value of truth, lead me to believe in faith, and helped me to realize the principles and beliefs that make me who I am.
Happy Holidays, your faithful servant, Brooke
Here are the highlights: depression, exhaustion, Hawaii with Suzanne (afuckingmazing), Obama re-elected, got the hell out of dodge (read Vegas), Aunt died (RIP Heidy with a Y-), new apartment in Indianapolis, pissed off some nurses in a peer interview- didn't get an ER job, spent 3 nights in my apartment TOTAL in the 20 days I've had it, have been living a guilt trip of my own mental making because of the great man who loves me, who I can't reciprocate the feelings for and last but not least-scrapped ice off my windshield for the first time in 6 years. 2 Weeks until Christmas...and it's so great to be home. I'm serious. No really.
To Summarize that lengthy list- I've gained 10 pounds from the sitting. Sitting on the plane, sitting on the beach, sitting in the car, sitting in the hospital, sitting at the funeral, sitting in the car some more. Sitting inside because it's the freaking North Pole out there at 31 degrees! The way awesome thing though is that when I went to buy some fat jeans I was very excited that they were in fact the same size as I have been wearing...just different brands....you know...us Midwestern girls sometimes wear a more husky cut !!!! That's awful. Please don't call me husky. or burly. or chunky. or corn fed. And...no, I'm really not big boned either.
I'm just going to call it my holiday weight.
It is what it is.
Those are the most ridiculous 5 words ever put together that I've ever heard. I'm guilty of saying them because I can't say what I'm really thinking. It is what it is...no shit. If it was what it wasn't, then it wouldn't be what it isn't and it's still the same damn thing. So I say...let's do away with redundant, ridiculousness and not be afraid to say...just deal with it. As an adult, I've done my fair share of belly aching, but when I finally realized being a whining, bitching and moaning woman of a certain age was really unflattering, I cut back tremendously on my diet of "that's bullshit"; "some people are morons"; "this place sucks"; and so on and so forth....
I figure if I want my happily ever after I better not start off being a grumpy old maid.
Dear Past, Present and Future-
You've always been with me. Teaching me, reminding me-sometimes gently and sometimes with a big punch in the gut, and leading me to the person I am and will be. Thank you for being real and unwavering in your quest of making me a better person. You have taught me the value of truth, lead me to believe in faith, and helped me to realize the principles and beliefs that make me who I am.
Happy Holidays, your faithful servant, Brooke
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