Saturday, January 28, 2017
So there I was...: January 28, 2017
So there I was...: January 28, 2017: I have a cat that purrs so loud I kinda wonder if she's on speed. I have 2 cats from the humane society in Phoenix, Az. They are siste...
January 28, 2017
I have a cat that purrs so loud I kinda wonder if she's on speed.
I have 2 cats from the humane society in Phoenix, Az. They are sisters. My former step-children picked them out. I miss them- the step-children that is. I loved them being in my life.
Life is not always a smooth, logical chain of breaths. It is majestic in so many ways. To glimpse a memory that comes full circle- the face that I loved so much. Man, it's hard to think about. Damn.
He was so much to me. He really had my whole heart. I was all in and I was all in knowing that it was just shy of a good idea to be so. Nobody that knows me well wants to hear this story. They know the darkest sides of it. The broken, jagged edges, are difficult to work around.
He was a great singer. I remember the first time he sang softly in my ear. His voice and his arms were perfect. We laughed a lot. We loved a lot and fought a lot. It wasn't fighting about suspicions, jealousy, money. It was because of the hurting of a disappointed heart,
To look back now, I want to say that every disappointment, every time I fell short, were causes of justifiable pain and heartache. I felt that way at the time. I felt crushed that my words, actions, inactions, or even slight assumptions were such painful weapons. I never meant to be so careless with his heart.
The only problem was that I wasn't any of those things. I loved the only way I knew how and that means it didn't fall short and he received that love the only way he knew how, no matter his manipulation of it all.
Are we all destined to be so wounded? To see judgment when we are loved? To refuse truth when it is given to us? To believe not just the bad things thought over our souls but the good things too?
As time continues on, etching a river through my soul- I am faced with my historical past and my present heart. My greatest first love- enduring the untimely and unexpected death of his brother, has opened the space where I've kept him the last 25 years. Trying to dismiss any responsibility that I could've ever possibly had for bringing pain into his life, because my leaving was supposed to prevent that any further, I feel at a loss. Maybe no one will believe me when I say that he was everything to me then.
I felt it was the only way it could be. It wasn't the age difference. I found nothing wrong in him or who he was to me. What came into focus for me was that this beautiful soul deserved a strong and unwavering foundation from which the dreams of life could burst through. I would surely be the last person to provide that. I thought of the family we might have had. I thought of the inevitable failures I would make him endure and those potential disappointments corrupted my heart. I would surely destroy him and facing that possibility I became resolute to never do such a thing to this man. Maybe in self-preservation or some other coping mechanism, I would see the forest for the trees and the outlines of life wouldn't be so fuzzy.
From my first love to my last marriage I can now see such an obvious common thread. Not sure how I never saw it before. Or maybe I have seen it and just stopped noticing it. Like wearing a watch. Maybe you see it from these few words, maybe you don't- it's there- like background noise that goes unnoticed.
It's a core belief. You have them about yourself; various ideas that have literally built your personality and the very way you interact with the world and people around you. When, where, why and how your personal core beliefs came into being is extremely person specific.
So what core belief have I been operating from in every relationship in my life so far? responsibility of disappointment
I have loved and left for fear of being disappointed, as well as for the fear of being a disappointment. All the while holding firmly onto being the sole person responsible for being disappointed or for disappointing. Not a disappointment on the scale of a rainy day during your vacation, but disappointment on a far more tragic level. I have held the belief that I had to be lovable. BE. To be, to experience being- it presumes a state different then what "not being" is. If I could be, then ultimately I could not be as well.
Common thread might be the wrong word. Maybe more like barbed wire.
How much we learn in all these things. Such is life. We are the walking wounded which is a great testament to who we all are. The spectrum of the human experience leaves nothing untouched. We are capable of such tremendous thought and emotion. Colors of a sunset, the night sky at my parents house, the taste of creme brulee, laugh lines, love letters, silliness with children, having the opportunity to be there for a friend in need, the searing torture of being betrayed, hopelessness, and emptiness- a list of miracles for any heart that has life streaming through it. Miracles of movement, set in motion by chance. How can that possibly be? How could something as powerful as love be created out of thin air? In what part of the Big Bang did butterflies in our stomachs come from? Where in our universe did the gaping void of loss generate its ability to strengthen one's soul? If humanity has bloomed up out of accidental algae, tell me then how a soul can know it's own existence? Tell me how an explosion can eventually lead to something being a disappointment? It's exquisite. This life we have been blessed to live. Truly exquisite.
I have 2 cats from the humane society in Phoenix, Az. They are sisters. My former step-children picked them out. I miss them- the step-children that is. I loved them being in my life.
Life is not always a smooth, logical chain of breaths. It is majestic in so many ways. To glimpse a memory that comes full circle- the face that I loved so much. Man, it's hard to think about. Damn.
He was so much to me. He really had my whole heart. I was all in and I was all in knowing that it was just shy of a good idea to be so. Nobody that knows me well wants to hear this story. They know the darkest sides of it. The broken, jagged edges, are difficult to work around.
He was a great singer. I remember the first time he sang softly in my ear. His voice and his arms were perfect. We laughed a lot. We loved a lot and fought a lot. It wasn't fighting about suspicions, jealousy, money. It was because of the hurting of a disappointed heart,
To look back now, I want to say that every disappointment, every time I fell short, were causes of justifiable pain and heartache. I felt that way at the time. I felt crushed that my words, actions, inactions, or even slight assumptions were such painful weapons. I never meant to be so careless with his heart.
The only problem was that I wasn't any of those things. I loved the only way I knew how and that means it didn't fall short and he received that love the only way he knew how, no matter his manipulation of it all.
Are we all destined to be so wounded? To see judgment when we are loved? To refuse truth when it is given to us? To believe not just the bad things thought over our souls but the good things too?
As time continues on, etching a river through my soul- I am faced with my historical past and my present heart. My greatest first love- enduring the untimely and unexpected death of his brother, has opened the space where I've kept him the last 25 years. Trying to dismiss any responsibility that I could've ever possibly had for bringing pain into his life, because my leaving was supposed to prevent that any further, I feel at a loss. Maybe no one will believe me when I say that he was everything to me then.
I felt it was the only way it could be. It wasn't the age difference. I found nothing wrong in him or who he was to me. What came into focus for me was that this beautiful soul deserved a strong and unwavering foundation from which the dreams of life could burst through. I would surely be the last person to provide that. I thought of the family we might have had. I thought of the inevitable failures I would make him endure and those potential disappointments corrupted my heart. I would surely destroy him and facing that possibility I became resolute to never do such a thing to this man. Maybe in self-preservation or some other coping mechanism, I would see the forest for the trees and the outlines of life wouldn't be so fuzzy.
From my first love to my last marriage I can now see such an obvious common thread. Not sure how I never saw it before. Or maybe I have seen it and just stopped noticing it. Like wearing a watch. Maybe you see it from these few words, maybe you don't- it's there- like background noise that goes unnoticed.
It's a core belief. You have them about yourself; various ideas that have literally built your personality and the very way you interact with the world and people around you. When, where, why and how your personal core beliefs came into being is extremely person specific.
So what core belief have I been operating from in every relationship in my life so far? responsibility of disappointment
I have loved and left for fear of being disappointed, as well as for the fear of being a disappointment. All the while holding firmly onto being the sole person responsible for being disappointed or for disappointing. Not a disappointment on the scale of a rainy day during your vacation, but disappointment on a far more tragic level. I have held the belief that I had to be lovable. BE. To be, to experience being- it presumes a state different then what "not being" is. If I could be, then ultimately I could not be as well.
Common thread might be the wrong word. Maybe more like barbed wire.
How much we learn in all these things. Such is life. We are the walking wounded which is a great testament to who we all are. The spectrum of the human experience leaves nothing untouched. We are capable of such tremendous thought and emotion. Colors of a sunset, the night sky at my parents house, the taste of creme brulee, laugh lines, love letters, silliness with children, having the opportunity to be there for a friend in need, the searing torture of being betrayed, hopelessness, and emptiness- a list of miracles for any heart that has life streaming through it. Miracles of movement, set in motion by chance. How can that possibly be? How could something as powerful as love be created out of thin air? In what part of the Big Bang did butterflies in our stomachs come from? Where in our universe did the gaping void of loss generate its ability to strengthen one's soul? If humanity has bloomed up out of accidental algae, tell me then how a soul can know it's own existence? Tell me how an explosion can eventually lead to something being a disappointment? It's exquisite. This life we have been blessed to live. Truly exquisite.
Sunday, January 22, 2017
So there I was...: January 22, 2017
So there I was...: January 22, 2017: My life, like yours, has unfolded in every passing second. We all know how fragile life really is when faced with a sudden loss, a tragic e...
January 22, 2017
My life, like yours, has unfolded in every passing second. We all know how fragile life really is when faced with a sudden loss, a tragic event, or even the absence of something that we thought was to come, but doesn't. There are monumental moments we can all probably pinpoint and say "everything changed at that point" or that somehow things were never the same. Imagining my life plotted out by monumental moments, like a connect the dot puzzle, I can say for certain that the image would be unfocused, the dots not even connecting in some cases.
Like a Magic Eye print, the story of my life would need to be viewed with the ability to relax the eyes and forget what it is you think you should be seeing. I wonder if this is how God works with us to make the big picture, a lifetime of moments.
I think it is safe to say that it is in our grief, pain and struggle that we grow stronger. Stronger in the getting up and more resistant to the knocking down. I have this- idea- floating in and out of focus. This straw that I've been grasping at and it goes something like this: If we got to see that Magic Eye print of our lives before we had to live them, in detail that we would never again see, how might that affect the living of life? Do we, from a depth of our soul that, for all intents and purposes, can not be known while we are living- make monumental moment decisions for the sake of the greatest good in all the lives affected? Do we leave a love to spare a greater pain in the staying? Do we accept the cruelty of painful loss so unimaginable in order to ensure the fate of another? Are we somehow allowed to live blinded to our significance, whether far greater or far lesser than we imagine? In a way, it would be the cosmic reality of "if I knew then what I know now". What if we do and in some way we have orchestrated the very fold of each passing second?
Would you sacrifice your youth for success? Would you endure the loss of a child for the creation of many more? Would you push your life to it's pain threshold to maximize the equal but opposite reaction of joy? By choosing to never marry, are you saving someone or something far bigger than your personal reach can go? Would you choose the middle ground and live a life that is a dull shade of brown? Is it better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all? I guess it depends on how far that ripple might go.
When our greatest strength escapes us and the ability to defend our life or the lives of those we love comes to pass, what might it be allowing in the seemingly perpetual unfolding of time? I can't imagine that anyone would chose the path of a suicide bomber, unless the suicide bomber knows something so profoundly life altering (without really knowing he knows) that death is kinder. The idea is very flawed. As a matter of fact, it is a fanciful daydream to somehow condone bad past behaviors, a way to soften the gut wrenching pain of any one of life's many wounding weapons. It in some way cheapens the very experiences that are capable of transforming one simple life.
I am grateful for the pain. I am grateful for the hate. I am grateful for the cruelty of another human being. Because each moment of being punched in the throat by life, was just more tension added in the opposite direction for love and joy. Don't shield yourself from possible pain or ridicule. Don't do your children a disservice by letting them get trophies when they lose. Allow the hard parts of life to come as they may because the beauty of the opposite direction is where fulfillment lives.
Like a Magic Eye print, the story of my life would need to be viewed with the ability to relax the eyes and forget what it is you think you should be seeing. I wonder if this is how God works with us to make the big picture, a lifetime of moments.
I think it is safe to say that it is in our grief, pain and struggle that we grow stronger. Stronger in the getting up and more resistant to the knocking down. I have this- idea- floating in and out of focus. This straw that I've been grasping at and it goes something like this: If we got to see that Magic Eye print of our lives before we had to live them, in detail that we would never again see, how might that affect the living of life? Do we, from a depth of our soul that, for all intents and purposes, can not be known while we are living- make monumental moment decisions for the sake of the greatest good in all the lives affected? Do we leave a love to spare a greater pain in the staying? Do we accept the cruelty of painful loss so unimaginable in order to ensure the fate of another? Are we somehow allowed to live blinded to our significance, whether far greater or far lesser than we imagine? In a way, it would be the cosmic reality of "if I knew then what I know now". What if we do and in some way we have orchestrated the very fold of each passing second?
Would you sacrifice your youth for success? Would you endure the loss of a child for the creation of many more? Would you push your life to it's pain threshold to maximize the equal but opposite reaction of joy? By choosing to never marry, are you saving someone or something far bigger than your personal reach can go? Would you choose the middle ground and live a life that is a dull shade of brown? Is it better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all? I guess it depends on how far that ripple might go.
When our greatest strength escapes us and the ability to defend our life or the lives of those we love comes to pass, what might it be allowing in the seemingly perpetual unfolding of time? I can't imagine that anyone would chose the path of a suicide bomber, unless the suicide bomber knows something so profoundly life altering (without really knowing he knows) that death is kinder. The idea is very flawed. As a matter of fact, it is a fanciful daydream to somehow condone bad past behaviors, a way to soften the gut wrenching pain of any one of life's many wounding weapons. It in some way cheapens the very experiences that are capable of transforming one simple life.
I am grateful for the pain. I am grateful for the hate. I am grateful for the cruelty of another human being. Because each moment of being punched in the throat by life, was just more tension added in the opposite direction for love and joy. Don't shield yourself from possible pain or ridicule. Don't do your children a disservice by letting them get trophies when they lose. Allow the hard parts of life to come as they may because the beauty of the opposite direction is where fulfillment lives.
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
Bye Felicia - not my monkey, not my circus
I generally wear my emotions on my sleeve, my face, and my voice, shoot, even in my exhale. I'm guessing there isn't a lot of surprises when interacting with me. Although, my seriousness and my frustration can look incredibly alike. Things have come up in the recent past about my "personality" at work. It has bothered me tremendously and to be honest, I'm sick of thinking about it. But with that being said, I can't drop it just yet.
The only person who has written an incident report on me, is myself, in 20 years of nursing (although this is under the assumption that I would be told if I had been written up, maybe that's not how it happens). I have never and will never claim that I have never made a mistake. It seems ridiculous to even say that because I don't know anyone that would say they are the perfect nurse. And yet, clinical error seems to carry less weight than an error in communication or interaction with other staff. When I'm snarky, in a bad mood, I will apologize for it, even to people that my 'attitude' wasn't directed at. My mannerisms, dry sense of humor, and snappy wit apparently offend people. In other words, I cross everyone's "bitch" threshold much lower than I knew. Well, here in Kentucky anyway. So, this is what bothers me- I'm not easy to work with because I can basically call bullshit when people are making up answers, not taking responsibility for their error, and when I won't stand for a double standard. So, instead of festering and going to the boss about something that I think grown folks should be able to resolve between each other, I get to the bottom of it right there. You start laughing when I am talking about an issue at hand, I'm going to ask what you think is so funny. My co-workers see you rolling your eyes as I'm trying to help you get your job done quicker- because you didn't do it right in the first place, I'm gonna confront you with it. The last time I checked, this is a workplace and not a playground. If you want to sit around while I do work that will eventually need to be done, then don't get upset when I have something to say about you taking a break, or leaving when there are things that need to be done at the moment. If you think I'm bossy, it's because in my book you aren't enough of a self-starter, or self-motivated to see something and do something about it when something needs to be done. Kind of like the military- only doing what's been told to you to do...not allowed in nursing, at least not how I was raised as a nurse. If you come to me and ask me how things are done, but then don't ask for feedback on something that is made permanent, you've completely shot yourself in the foot because now you've made me just a person you need something from and not a co-worker. If you agree that I shouldn't have made my job so important to me, by caring so much about the patient outcomes, and customer service to not just the patients but with the staff, that I should just think of it as a job, then I don't want to work with you. Because you'll be the same person that says, "don't start doing that because they'll expect you to do it all the time, and it's not our job".
When I apply for the position that I am already doing and training your new staff to do, and you don't tell me what is really going on or why you haven't decided to interview me yet, I'll figure it out myself. People talk.
And guess what- if I had meant the things that someone overheard me say but never clarified with us that it was an inside joke between me and the other person, and you believed I really said it seriously to another person, you should have fired me. The fact that not only did you not fire me, you never asked me about it, or asked my side of it. And apparently since you are holding it against me then you believe it to be true (and not the reality of it being the hard time friends give each other- because, you know, I'm just a nurse), which means you would tolerate that foul behavior, that I believe only a psychopath would have in the workplace. Thanks, but no thanks.
The only person who has written an incident report on me, is myself, in 20 years of nursing (although this is under the assumption that I would be told if I had been written up, maybe that's not how it happens). I have never and will never claim that I have never made a mistake. It seems ridiculous to even say that because I don't know anyone that would say they are the perfect nurse. And yet, clinical error seems to carry less weight than an error in communication or interaction with other staff. When I'm snarky, in a bad mood, I will apologize for it, even to people that my 'attitude' wasn't directed at. My mannerisms, dry sense of humor, and snappy wit apparently offend people. In other words, I cross everyone's "bitch" threshold much lower than I knew. Well, here in Kentucky anyway. So, this is what bothers me- I'm not easy to work with because I can basically call bullshit when people are making up answers, not taking responsibility for their error, and when I won't stand for a double standard. So, instead of festering and going to the boss about something that I think grown folks should be able to resolve between each other, I get to the bottom of it right there. You start laughing when I am talking about an issue at hand, I'm going to ask what you think is so funny. My co-workers see you rolling your eyes as I'm trying to help you get your job done quicker- because you didn't do it right in the first place, I'm gonna confront you with it. The last time I checked, this is a workplace and not a playground. If you want to sit around while I do work that will eventually need to be done, then don't get upset when I have something to say about you taking a break, or leaving when there are things that need to be done at the moment. If you think I'm bossy, it's because in my book you aren't enough of a self-starter, or self-motivated to see something and do something about it when something needs to be done. Kind of like the military- only doing what's been told to you to do...not allowed in nursing, at least not how I was raised as a nurse. If you come to me and ask me how things are done, but then don't ask for feedback on something that is made permanent, you've completely shot yourself in the foot because now you've made me just a person you need something from and not a co-worker. If you agree that I shouldn't have made my job so important to me, by caring so much about the patient outcomes, and customer service to not just the patients but with the staff, that I should just think of it as a job, then I don't want to work with you. Because you'll be the same person that says, "don't start doing that because they'll expect you to do it all the time, and it's not our job".
When I apply for the position that I am already doing and training your new staff to do, and you don't tell me what is really going on or why you haven't decided to interview me yet, I'll figure it out myself. People talk.
And guess what- if I had meant the things that someone overheard me say but never clarified with us that it was an inside joke between me and the other person, and you believed I really said it seriously to another person, you should have fired me. The fact that not only did you not fire me, you never asked me about it, or asked my side of it. And apparently since you are holding it against me then you believe it to be true (and not the reality of it being the hard time friends give each other- because, you know, I'm just a nurse), which means you would tolerate that foul behavior, that I believe only a psychopath would have in the workplace. Thanks, but no thanks.
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