37. Not 36. Not 38.
37.
It's such an ugly number. With this attitude, it could end up being and ugly year. Not sure why I've got a bee in my bonnet about turning 37. 36 seemed so casual and full of life. 37 is like stubbing your toe on a chair in the dark..the chair you said to yourself hours ago you should move or you would end up stubbing your toe. In a nut shell, there is a tendency for a lot of bad language and possibly tears. I've been dreading this for some time. I can remember on my 36th birthday thinking...37 is gonna suck. Look. It sucks. Ain't it just a mystery how that happens?
I think for me the reason 37 is so painful is that it is the apex of the downhill slide. Don't ask me why 37 and not 35..I'm not Stephen Hawking, I don't know these things. He wouldn't know either because I just made it up. Apex. Yep.. downhill sliding...smack dab into a big ol pile of middle age. In a few more years, I will definitely be unable to have children. In a few more years, I will be seen as a "Cougar" (although some young folks think I am now, but I say NAY! 40 is the entry age for Cougar Town- again..my life, my rules.)
I don't look 40. See...I just skipped 37, 38, and 39. After 36------ 40. I may pass for a young 30's. I'm grateful really. It could be much worse...like no such thing as permanent hair color or sunscreen.
I'm trying to embrace it. I'm trying to not cry out for my youth to come back and sit with me for awhile. Hold my hand Young Brooke. Remind me that I really am an amazing specimen of a woman. That my memories of Paris, Venice, Berlin, Sydney, LA, New York and so on are the envy of young women everywhere. I have lived such an incredible life. I have been a witness to such a beautiful world.
I turn and realize it is not the reassurance of Young Brooke that I need. I need the wisdom of elderly Brooke. The lady with the twinkling eyes that laughs at my dramatic expense. Elderly Brooke whispers to me... if only you knew. She holds my thoughts softly. Letting them roll slowly over the worried mind of the present. Fears play tricks and try to build walls around my heart, but Elderly Brooke brushes them away..like a cobweb that hangs too low. Love. Happiness. Fulfillment. Sometimes feeling so out of reach, impossible really to even get a clear picture of them. She whispers that I am all of those things and more.
I smirk and roll my eyes. She laughs and shakes her head. "Trust Me. I know."
Well played Elderly Brooke.
Well played.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Sunday, August 11, 2013
August 11, 2013
So there I was looking at these tiny little fruit flies buzzing around my beautiful bowl of fresh produce that I bought at a little farmer's market down the road. My exact thought was "Don't they have something they can put on the fruit, like bug spray, to kill these things" ..yes, that thought made me shake my head too. I've never denied that I am a complete jackass. I drive a Hybrid, not because it saves the Earth or lowers my "carbon footprint" or some such stuff, but because it came in a nice color and I hoped to save money on gas. My Mom is probably the MOST successful woman in the entire Martin County area starting up and running the Recycling Center for Martin County...and I don't recycle. *gasp* The NERVE!
My deodorant AND toothpaste AND makeup AND shampoo AND Dr. Pepper all have ingredients in it that I can't pronounce and that are probably some chemical equivalent to cyanide. And I'm pretty sure the "chicken" bites in my KFC Bowl were made from some ground up left over animal parts that I don't want to thing about at this moment.
I work in a hospital system that ACTUALLY believes they are making their visitors make better health choices because they only sell DIET drinks. What kind of utterly ridiculous nonsense is that? Trying to pass off Diet Pepsi as a HEALTHY choice. Really? Really?
REALLY?
Shock and Awe ladies and gentlemen. Shock and Awe. We all understand that I'm not the world's best organic eating, carbon footprint deleting human being, and even I know that Diet Soda is poison.
So what is one person to do?
I don't know either. But I'm thinking about it.
I started the 21 Day meditation challenge, and it's not solving any of the before mentioned issues..but what it is creating is incredibly tense muscles in my back. You try sitting there Indian style (wait..did they change that to some politically correct thing that I don't know about?)..oh yeah..crossed legs.. with your back straight, doing all that deep breathing and relaxing and see how YOUR back feels. I never thought of myself as a sloucher or someone with bad posture, but apparently, I don't sit or stand straight, or even close, because if I did I wouldn't have been in excruciating, toe curling, teeth clenching pain during my massage today. Who ever came up with the idea of needling and poking some one's tight knots in hopes of "relaxing" them? Masochistic bastards. I've decided after today I only want soft, chunky massage therapists, you know, the type that makes you want to poke their bellies- skinny twiggy types are all bones and that my friends is the fourth level of hell. Add that to your list of criteria when looking for someone to do your massage. "Would you like a male or female?" I want someone chubby and that's all that matters..little sausage fingers surely can't hurt as bad as little Miss Elbows Magoo. But not so big that I can hear them breath. I don't want to get the feeling that pushing around my chubby chub chub is going to be counted as their work out for the day.
Dear Ganesha-
Thank you thank you thank you for helping me overcome my Diet Soda habit. The toxicity to my nervous system may never be fully corrected but I feel blessed to know that I've made big strides in eliminating sources of toxic waste and making better choices on what to put in and on my body.
Your faithful servant-
Brooke-I'll-end-up-having-a-teenage-mutant-turtle-for-a-child-Albertson
My deodorant AND toothpaste AND makeup AND shampoo AND Dr. Pepper all have ingredients in it that I can't pronounce and that are probably some chemical equivalent to cyanide. And I'm pretty sure the "chicken" bites in my KFC Bowl were made from some ground up left over animal parts that I don't want to thing about at this moment.
I work in a hospital system that ACTUALLY believes they are making their visitors make better health choices because they only sell DIET drinks. What kind of utterly ridiculous nonsense is that? Trying to pass off Diet Pepsi as a HEALTHY choice. Really? Really?
REALLY?
Shock and Awe ladies and gentlemen. Shock and Awe. We all understand that I'm not the world's best organic eating, carbon footprint deleting human being, and even I know that Diet Soda is poison.
So what is one person to do?
I don't know either. But I'm thinking about it.
I started the 21 Day meditation challenge, and it's not solving any of the before mentioned issues..but what it is creating is incredibly tense muscles in my back. You try sitting there Indian style (wait..did they change that to some politically correct thing that I don't know about?)..oh yeah..crossed legs.. with your back straight, doing all that deep breathing and relaxing and see how YOUR back feels. I never thought of myself as a sloucher or someone with bad posture, but apparently, I don't sit or stand straight, or even close, because if I did I wouldn't have been in excruciating, toe curling, teeth clenching pain during my massage today. Who ever came up with the idea of needling and poking some one's tight knots in hopes of "relaxing" them? Masochistic bastards. I've decided after today I only want soft, chunky massage therapists, you know, the type that makes you want to poke their bellies- skinny twiggy types are all bones and that my friends is the fourth level of hell. Add that to your list of criteria when looking for someone to do your massage. "Would you like a male or female?" I want someone chubby and that's all that matters..little sausage fingers surely can't hurt as bad as little Miss Elbows Magoo. But not so big that I can hear them breath. I don't want to get the feeling that pushing around my chubby chub chub is going to be counted as their work out for the day.
Dear Ganesha-
Thank you thank you thank you for helping me overcome my Diet Soda habit. The toxicity to my nervous system may never be fully corrected but I feel blessed to know that I've made big strides in eliminating sources of toxic waste and making better choices on what to put in and on my body.
Your faithful servant-
Brooke-I'll-end-up-having-a-teenage-mutant-turtle-for-a-child-Albertson
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