August 17, 2018 - I'm a Bible Study Dropout

I recently "left" a bible study group. It wasn't the right fit. That was my best, politically correct explanation, I gave to the group. I want to talk about this though, because it's been heavy on my heart. My first encounter with God was completely life-changing. Since December 2014, I have devoured books on Christianity, on the tough-to-believe things that are in the Bible, on the power of God working through people all around the world, and a deep study of the New Testament in the Bible. I have 3 books written about the Dead Sea Scrolls written for 3 different purposes, a book of Flavius Josephus "The Antiquities of the Jews" translated by William Whiston, A.M. wherein book 18 is written about an interval of 32 years that acknowledges the different Jewish sects. On page 576:
       Now, there was about this time Jesus, a wise man, if it be lawful to call him a man, for he             was a doer of wonderful works- a teacher of such men receive the truth with pleasure. He           drew over to him both many Jews and many of the Gentiles. He was [the] Christ; and                 when Pilate, at the suggestion of the principal men amongst us, had condemned him to the         cross (A.D. 33, April 3), those that loved him at the first did not forsake him, for he                       appeared to them alive again the third day, as the divine prophets had foretold these and             ten thousand other wonderful things concerning him; and the tribe of Christians, so                     named from him are not extinct at this day. 
He also mentions John the Baptist, Herod, Pilate and many other people in the Bible. For what it is worth, it should be known that Josephus eventually betrayed his fellow Jews. It is fascinating to read all of these different pieces of the Biblical and historical records of 2000 years ago, at the same time. My heart is full for our God. My faith flows deeply through my life, anchoring me to a sense of peace that I find difficult to describe. I've encountered God a second, a third, and a fourth time. It is love. I embrace this love in a very intentional, thoughtful, and prayerful way. It is the most important thing about who I am.

Back to dropping out of Bible Study. We decided to "study" John Bevere's book- Killing Kryptonite. There were videos to watch each week that accompanied the readings we were to do. My first impression of this man was from the words he wrote, actually convicting me of my own practiced sin and what changes I would need to make to stop living in sin. The first impression, gut instinct, of his video teaching, left me unsettled. Something wasn't right. Each week, the more of the book and the videos we were getting through, the more I felt like his understanding and teaching of scripture were very decidedly one sided, and I finally decided to google him
 https://churchwatchcentral.com/2017/10/02/killing-kryptonite-the-bait-of-john-bevere/ 

In essence, he is not the kind of person I want to be learning any biblical principals from. I felt he was taking the scriptures that supported his claims, while not, also discussing, the scriptures that complete the essence of the teaching in the bible. The group had a Facebook page, and I wrote this similar description and my thoughts about why this guy was unsettling to me. I was told we would talk about it at group. We were only a week away from being done with it.  My post was taken down from the group leader in less than 10 minutes. Now throughout this study 4 other members spoke up saying similar things about his teaching. So on the last night of the study, it wrapped up and no one had much to offer up about it. Now, my thought was that the two women who were leading this study were going to bring up the difficulties that I, and others, had. I am vocal, indeed. I am not one to be confused by something and sit quietly about it. If it doesn't make sense I ask. This is my salvation and I am intentional with everything that I read- we are warned that there will be many false teachers to lead people astray. We are taught to verify the validity of a writing about scripture by comparing it to ....SCRIPTURE. We are to ask the Holy Spirit to help us understand. Because the ladies who said we would talk about it didn't bring it up, and I was trying to be polite and wait until I was called on but no. I made a snarky comment about everyone knowing I didn't like the guy and that I had a problem with some of the things he said and the way he interpreted scripture. Still not willing to discuss it. One later said it was because I was argumentative. I was holding back tears at the complete disregard for my thoughts and floored that when I asked them how the discerned scripture, meaning interpreted scripture from Christian authors - they said by the Holy Spirit and elders, apparently they didn't understand the question I was asking. I was heartbroken. I was angry that those who shared similar thoughts, didn't speak up. I was lost in the disregard for truth seeking.

I drove home and after careful thought and prayer, I private messaged 3 women in the group, the 2 who lead the bible study and the woman who invited me into the group. "I want to thank you for allowing me into your bible study. Thank You ... for opening your home. I respectfully will not be in attendance any further. I am not sure why I was censored on the page, not wanting to 'confuse' anyone being more important than having real discussion to work through this book's work....

I was told my discussion on the group page was actually in argument to why the study was not in alignment with the Word and why I didn't like the author (Yes because they were counter to the overall gospel). It's ok to discuss, but in your zeal to point out what was wrong you missed the point of the discussion...I have times when I share struggles. I also know that others have. We bring each other to accountability (I guess they didn't see that was what I was doing; trying to hold the author accountable to the gospel). Usually when the zeal of Christ runs someone wrong, that my friend is because the spirit in them feels uneasy. And that spirit isn't of God. (Yes, she told me in no uncertain terms that it was ungodly, the way I was thinking- I basically ran through the reasons that thinking critically of writings on the bible is what we are told to do, so that we are not deceived. I also said- that she wasn't going to speak over my life like that). She continued further about how discussing was ok, but being divisive wasn't. (Wasn't Jesus and his apostles a bit divisive? How does one not be divisive when what that person is saying is not in agreement with what is being discussed?) She then rounded out her thoughts on the matter that people shouldn't be talking about the bible study outside of the group, because it would just cause confusion. And she didn't want some of the less spiritually mature members to become confused.

There was no studying of the Bible to confront the author's teaching, in the bible study group, and I'm not sure if I am totally misunderstanding what Bible Study groups are supposed to do, since this was my first real one. The legalistic notion of telling others when they are not living according to the Word was a big part of the book. The irony was, that I was doing what the book was saying to do, to love your fellow Christian and make it a point to care about their salvation, and to let them know if they (we) were being misguided.

I have since sought Spiritual Direction from one of the Sisters where I work. She told me about a Friar that lived in Southeastern Indiana. He had a near death experience that took him all the way to the seat of judgment. He later told people that he was asked one question there. "How do you love?"

We are told that the greatest commandment is to love God with all our heart, our mind, our spirit, and our strength, and that the second greatest commandment is like it- to love our neighbors as ourselves. Loving God, for me, looks like obedience to His Word, spending time between the pages of the most important and influential book ever written, and seeking meaning through the lens of the life of Jesus Christ. What good is gaining the whole world, if you do not have love? I did not choose love the night of my last bible study. I chose God. 

August 15, 2018 No Doubt

The atrocities that human beings can inflict on other human beings leaves me doubled over, holding my face in my hands, supported by my elbows on my knees. I just realized that wasn't the proper stance to take. Kneeling in prayer. That's what is called for when reflecting on lives cut short, life experiences that get erased, and when the dreams of those who have died, are lost. My stream of consciousness just ran through various images that I have stored in my memory: Burmese Christians that were recently crucified by their neighbors; the genocides in Africa; the destruction in Aleppo, Syria and the numerous pictures of those fleeing Syria for their lives, only to drown with the dream of safety, never actually reaching it. The horrific photos of children who have been abused and neglected in the mightiest country in the world. Why seems to be such a useless question. The list of possible answers could probably lasso the moon.
When babies, toddlers, and children are encountering a person doing something around them, they try to look the person in the eyes and study their face, because they know that is where their first clues will come from, for whether or not the person is a danger to them. It's instinctual. Each of us learned to adapt to our surroundings this same way. So who was the first dangerous threat? You may or may not have thought about the serpent in the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve, but I did. What's important to note, is that there wasn't a perceived threat for Eve. The serpent merely asked her a few questions. We can talk about what was going through Eve's mind when the serpent in Genesis 3:1 said "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden?'" See what happened there? Sort of a bait and switch, questioning something untrue leads to an explanation of truth that leaves room for doubt. The next time you find yourself walking out of the store and getting into your car, imagine if someone asked you if you could pick the cashier who helped you, out of a line up. I'm guessing most of us would feel pretty confident we could do that. But what if they asked you to describe that person- their color of hair, were they wearing glasses, what color of shirt did they have on? You would be able to do the first, picking them out of a line up, but as soon as you had to describe specific attributes about them, you realize that maybe you didn't really know what they looked like, after all. That isn't true though, because you would know them when you saw them. Doubt. It is of no small insignificance to have doubt. What we know now about this phenomena, it's got a name but I don't remember it, is that just because we can't seem to recreate exactly what the person looked like into words, doesn't mean we should doubt that we saw them at all. Does that make sense? Eve was being asked to recall exactly what God said, which planted the seed of doubt, that led the conversation to the point where the serpent could then put a nail in the coffin- "You will certainly not die" he said. I can almost imagine Eve's gut instinct telling her that something just didn't sit right with what he was saying. Yet, his explanation was given with an authority of wisdom, that gave her the courage to dismiss her intuition. Deceit, deception, manipulation- these were at work in Eden at that moment. Only they were under the veil of asking for Eve to remember what and why God said what he said about the tree in the middle of the garden. The serpent was not threatening her. He was only bringing to her attention the reasons that made her doubt that she shouldn't eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

Are there serpents in your life? I believe that we are all influenced by the serpents of this world. Think about fake news, one sided media coverage, hearing only half of the truth or even less, gossip, bullying, and even the lies we are capable of telling ourselves. We can't allow ourselves to have our values and beliefs used in a way that is harmful to another person. Left, right, republican, democrat, man, woman, black, white- each of us likely wants what we favor and value to be our lived reality. Just because some people want stricter gun laws, does not mean they want your guns taken away. And those who don't want stricter gun laws, are not saying there shouldn't be any laws. Our country is in the process of doing a lot of name calling, a lot of stereotyping, and a lot of drawing dividing lines- because we each have a serpent asking, probing, and doing a great job of "He said, She said" to bring us to the brink of irreconcilable differences.  We must have faith in our fellow man, our neighbors, our political officials, our families and friends, because we are all on the same side- the side of peace and freedom. Maybe you just rolled your eyes at me- but when the rubber hits the road, if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem (and get this- that goes both ways).

Well Played, God. Well played. May 31, 2018

I've got some good news, and I've got some bad news. Depending on your situation, which is which, will be up to you.

For me, I was placed nicely in the friend zone over the weekend. The sting was more than I expected, which probably has something to do with the fact that I'm a 41 year old divorcee working in a Monastery with 141 nuns, and coming across a good guy, that doesn't smoke, doesn't have a record, doesn't have young children OR a crazy ex-wife was hard to come by. The wind was knocked out of me. And, as always, God revealed to me the one greatest truth that might as well have been tattooed on my forehead because of how blatantly simple it is. My faith leads me in almost every area of my life. Like a lot, a lot. I have prayed for God to open doors if He wants me to go through them. Which is how I ended up getting a job in a monastery in southern Indiana (which for me, my IDEAL nonprofit job was always to find a faith based organization to work for). I've prayed for things that are not of His design to be removed from my life; to protect me from things that are only meant to come and rob my peace, my faith, and my joy. I have prayed that He might bless me with a good, faith full man in my life; one that would be open to being a Foster Parent. A man that I might be able to love growing old with every single day. AND WHAM! Duh Brooke. I realized that my future, dream relationship, didn't necessarily have marriage in it (the statistics for success of a third marriage are pretty gritty). Do you see the problem yet? How on earth did I ever believe that God would place in my path something that would lead me straight into sexual immorality (sex outside of marriage in this case)????? The Village Church shares what the scriptures say about this  "It is called evil, improper, sinful, fleshly, earthly and against the will of God."  So you're telling me, that's a no on sex? Correct. Just to be clear, this is the bad news! After my initial shock and awe over that epiphany, I quickly realized that it made perfect sense. God wants what is best for me. God wants only those things that bring peace, faith, and joy into my life. God knows every one of our weaknesses. Jesus came so that we might have life, and have it abundantly. Of course I could make some sexist remark about being better off, but I'm not going to. 

If I've learned anything, it's that my God is faithful, merciful, and loving. He will shower us with blessings when we keep Him in our hearts and His commands in our lives. It's like giving money away, whether tithing or donating, God has brought it back to me, every single time. What more will He do if I should heed his commandments against sexual immorality? He will bless me in much greater ways than I could have ever even imagined. He is worthy of obeying and that is the good news.

Took an unusual turn with this one.

The Big Chill is one of my favorite movies. A long forgotten oldie, but a goodie. One of those  reunion movies of college friends.  As a sidebar, it might actually be one of the best soundtracks, EVER.
As I steer my ever restless soul towards my childhood home, it is the abundant memories that capture my thoughts. I recently went on a medical mission trip to Myanmar. Travel begets travel begets travel. Strangely, it was different this time. On the 31 hour jaunt back to the United States, I could not push aside the feeling that I needed to get home. Traveling usually sends my thoughts into saving the world and living abroad. Not this time. I finished the book "When Helping Hurts" and felt the bitter truth of it wash over me. A handout is hurtful. A hand-up, on the other hand, lifesaving. How and why that translates into me returning to middle America, I don't quite know.
My return is far less exciting than any reunion tour. Sesame Street would probably get a better turn out. I am just someone new in town. A new face with a new car. People might try to place me. Who I belong to and where I have come from. When the sun sets, all thoughts of me have shuffled on to other topics. As they should.
I, on the other hand, feel somewhat stuck in this ethereal reality of past, present and future. Who I was, I am no longer.  Who I am already seems to be morphing into my future self.  Most athletic is only good for the yearbook, not the 25 year class reunion. Favorite teachers and back road music had their place in the life of long ago. Now, I struggle with how to address the educators from my youth. Mrs. Lett, Mrs. Trout, Ms. A., Mr. Johnson. I'm not sure I could ever call them Beth, Karla, Ann, or Greg. They had too much influence to be considered an acquaintance. Their opinions, I would still hold in high esteem. And the fact that high school students now have a whole new set of inspirational teachers, seems to put their status forever and always in my memory as icons in my life story. March 24th, 2018 was a big day for students. 'March for our lives' footage from across the US was being broadcast on TV. Kids are scared. When an alarm sounds in their school, it might very well be their worst nightmare. The reason why leaves my heart and mind in a state of pure anger. Every high school student knows the classmate that is a loner, left out, and the butt of all jokes. No one wants to admit that they picked on the "weird" kid, the future school shooter. Teachers don't fess up that they could've told you which child was in need of help. What would happen if they were wrong?
Worrying that a school shooting could occur on any given school day is enough to drive change in school security. But, it hasn't made as much of an impact as one would hope. It would not be easy to go against the instinct of self preservation when there's an active school shooter. Not going to lie, I have felt that I would storm the doors and take out a shooter if given a chance. I have looked in the eyes of my niece and nephew and considered the possibility that a school resource officer would be paralyzed by the gunfire and not enter and engage the shooter. I bristle at my own judgment of the person who didn't protect and serve. My jaw is still clenched at the thought of it. The ease of which I can imagine my life being fueled by the anger at that person for the loss of either or, God forbid both of these children, scares me. If it ever happens, please, someone make sure I never buy a gun.
These are the times that we live in. High school girls and boys wonder if their emotions, thoughts, and curiosities make them the opposite gender. The whisper in society tells them that they don't need to identify as the gender they were born with. The yelling of society seems to be saying that it is wrong for them to be identified as completely male or completely female. With sexuality being pushed onto third graders, I don't see the end of school shootings anytime in the near future. When did it become such an egregious state to question what a child is thinking? Are parents not supposed to be their shelter and guidance in a storm? Lovingly accepting what he or she is going through, walking along side them, and yet still setting boundaries? I have good friends who have in fact dealt with this. A son who feels like a girl. A niece who identifies as a man. I am not degrading their choices. I do not know what I would do if I were in their shoes.  I honestly don't. As it it presented to me now, a woman without children or any real parenting experience, it is completely hypocritical of me to say this, but I've gotten this far, I can't pretend like I wouldn't have an inkling of the course of action I would take. I would love my child through and through. I would seek to understand and I would seek to guide the child into the realm of all possibilities. If one currently feels more feminine or masculine, than dissolving all gender bias would be my preference. Please, my love, exist as your perfect soul with the understanding that society, or better marketing and entertainment, weave these ideas of asexuality like spring rain clouds. My beloved, it is normal to feel like both a boy and a girl before puberty, during puberty, and even after. We are all called to find strength in the overwhelming abundance of God's duality. Enjoy your childhood, and the rest will figure itself out in due course.
Whatever the name of the generation is after the Millennial's, I just want to say you've got options that you don't need to feel forced to act on. Boy vs. Girl? How about young and happy? Let's strive to give you your best childhood.

My Almighty Father, Creator, and Savior- I pray for the peace of mind and spirit that comes with knowing oneself. May you bless each child and family struggling with this, a joyful heart and an accepting mind. Give us all grace through confusion, so that we may show grace to others through theirs. You are the author of our lives and what is good with You, is good with us. I pray this in the character and identity of Jesus Christ. Amen   

Because, you are loved.

Not every perfect day or wayward sorrowful tear is by grand design or for a traitor’s glory. Measurements of happiness and joy are the best way to feel like you don’t have either. Walking from a fanciful belief in karma and the simplicity of unattachment finds a person in complete disarray when their heart is broken into unrecognizable pieces by those that we should never feel unattached to. Painful memories make for turbulent self-talk and the best one can hope for, is to find out early that our mind and the little voice from inside is often a liar and at times deadly to our own lives. One door closes ad another opens is of no use if the doors are revolving. We can’t live on the moving walkway of life and not somehow show up late to our own truths. So much searching and seeking. Looking for the obscure in plain sight, but never finding it, because there is only one truth that matters and none of us wanted anything to do with it. Nonsense lead to whimsy and whimsy gave us the bullet for our Russian roulette life choices. Not killing another soul, nor maiming an innocent life. We propped up our own great esteem as a good person.

Heart ache, anger, and the pursuit of the good life fueled our need for instant gratification of our self-indulgences. Living by our senses, without a guidebook or even a quarter to decide by heads or tails which way to go. Half lived dreams. The ending of unbroken marriage for the sake of our future self. Living the day away in thoughts of some great, elusive ideal status. Spending years on all the wrong dreams and killing millions of possibilities for imperfect perfection. The kind of muddy, ugly, shoe prints on the carpet day, that held within its boundaries a slice of humanity and the beautiful feeling of authentic laughter. We ruin far better amounts of our lives being discouraged by the complete drabness of our hair, then moments of criticism would ever do. We fear honesty. Giving and receiving and like to uphold the false pretense that everyone we meet is interesting, kind, and worthy of a Facebook post. But you are not interesting, young lady with the overly corrected sense of self- importance. You are not interesting old man who dishes out racism in its newer forms of homophobia and the updated objectification of women. You men who lust after children and do things to them that ruin their chances of normalcy. Your greed and your abhorrent attempt to rationalize that what you do isn’t that bad. The lies of neighbors have continued on for years that no one knows anymore where one property starts and one ends. Loneliness becomes common at parties and you wonder how the world seems to have gone to hell in a handbasket. News outlets feeding the masses with prettied up dishonesty, claiming an anonymous source close to the situation. The fever of discontent leaves behind nothing but apathy for any real solutions. Caring not the time or place of death as long as it isn’t yours. Prioritizing your right to do what you want, when you want and how you want. When the reality is that most spew this priority over what they don’t want others to be able to do. Do not mention God. Do not allow anyone else to discipline your ghastly daft and obnoxious offspring. Blame it on the red dye, air pollution, or life saving vaccinations, but whatever you do don’t stand up and take a shred of responsibility for your selfish life choices and cry on and on about how you were somehow failed by society. Self-hatred could be a refreshing thing for the world if every arrogant, egomaniacal, narcissistic excuse for a human being would take it up on a daily basis. But evil would never even consider it. Too lofty in their own imaginations of how mighty they are, evil is as evil does. I’m sick of people whining and complaining. We need more gun control, we need to legalize more things that allow us to numb up and care less, we need to save the planet, the animals, the oceans. But forget all of the children without functioning parents who are raising themselves on low expectations and putting the blame on everyone else. If they could just pull themselves up by the moral superiority complex that every white, middle class American has for those in poverty, then they wouldn’t be in that awful situation. Doing enough through all the taxes they pay to help those lazy welfare slobs that wake up hungry every day and go to bed the same way. Continuing to kid themselves that they are hard working Americans and shouldn’t have to pay anyone else’s way, because no one paid theirs.

I beg to differ.

Jesus Christ paid the way for you. Oh, NOW she’s getting all religious hell fire and brimstone. You betcha. That ridiculous belief that the universe is just one Bob Ross happy accident cycling through its trajectory toward annihilation. Go ahead and continue believing that what you do or don’t do has no real consequence, as long as you don’t hurt anyone, right? Nope. Not how it works. Not even sort of. How about you look into the inspired word of God before you go about running your mouth about believers being brainwashed and mentally inferior. How about you stop “not hurting anyone” and go out and actually be of help to this world, to someone else that has a need you can fill. No, not your bartenders and waitresses, although, I’m sure they are grateful for the nice tip you gave them to save your karma for being an unbearable person to work with or worse, live with. Take your smug, elitist way of life and turn it down about a million notches, and then you might be 0.1% closer to understand the power and glory of the one true God. You will live a dead man’s life the longer you rationalize your beliefs on God as being a character in a book. Hugs and prayers don’t belong in this post. The fact is that there is truth out there. It is not new age or some fuzzy fluffy good vibes in the world. It is the truth of the Creator as evidenced by creation. It has been handed down and preserved over the millennia and answers your deepest longing for eternity. He is what fills the void of your soul. He is because He lives. You owe Him every breath you take, every word you speak, and every thought of happiness. As you return what is rightfully His. He will love your wretched soul enough to reward you 100-fold.