February 8, 2013

Sometimes the heart breaks in order for it to get bigger.
To no longer be fixed in a place of comfort, but to grow in a space of challenge and acceptance of the task to conquer those challenges.
Love and happiness are not pulled from a shelf, dusted off, and then put back on display.
They are worn in our voices, our posture, our smiles; they exist in our actions. They may come from within, but often times we take our own thoughts as the last ones to believe in. I needed to be shown what real love and happiness is. Everyone defines it differently to them, and for me it required a lot of consistency- 9 months of pushing him away and him being able to love me through his own heart break. I begged him to let me go. His love was too painful for me. Until the day I woke up and realized I deserved it. But by then, it was too late, he had let me go.
I struggle between moving forward in the hope of one thing or moving forward in the moment of the day at hand. Hope is a prison and a paradise.
I will continue to hope.

Hi Love-
I miss your great smile. I hear it over the phone, but it's not the same. I miss the eyes that took one look and knew what I was thinking and feeling. The feeling of your arms around me and my head on your chest..healing and accepting. But I can't live in that space..I visit it temporarily..any longer and I would drown. I think of you laughing and being comfortable and happy in your life. Of being the guy who is just trying to do the best that he can. What's that Garth Brooks song..."The Dance"- I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end, the way it all would go.... I could've missed the pain, but I'd had to miss the dance.
Always-
B.