One of my favorite authors is Bob Goff. He says "You'll do with your life what you do with your love." This is such a simple statement but really profound in its far reaching consequences. In a recent low period in my life, I struggled to feel worthy, to get things right, to feel connected. My depression was so worrisome that I started back in therapy and increased one of my anti-depressants. I confided in my partner, but the days just did not get better. UNTIL I thought about what I did with my love, and dialed into the questions of who am I? and why am I feeling this way?
What I realized was a pattern, in a few of the significant depressive episodes that I have had. Including the one I was currently in. Something triggered the thought that the body keeps the score. Our bodies are these sensing beings taking in so much information, with so little of it reaching our conscious thought. Malcolm Gladwell has a book called "Talking to Strangers" and in his research that he shared there was a particular study that came to mind. The study was trying to see if someone will show a physiological response when it notices a pattern, and how they tested it was to use a deck of cards and the person was to guess higher or lower (I might have that wrong, but it was something just as simple). The basic results showed that our bodies reacted (with a change in vital signs, etc) when the mind recognizes a pattern on a subconscious level, well before it was recognized on the conscious level. Again- that's probably the worst synopsis possible, but you get my drift.
Do you know how often you make eye contact with one particular person in a day? Or how about how often you smile around that person or they smile at you? What about reaching out and touching their arm or giving them a big hug, or a half-hearted hug? I am certain that I have never kept track of these things, but I do believe my subconscious noticed. How does my subconscious notify me that something is wrong or that the other person has shown less of these signs of attention? Well, apparently I get the notion that something is wrong, and believe that it is my fault, which leads to deeper feelings of unworthiness when my attempts at being more loving and attentive are not reciprocated. This is my working theory. When the other person withholds communication, eye contact, thoughtful appreciation, loving attention, and casual contact it would naturally make someone assume that the person is upset with them. Not me. I assume that they have found me out and realized I am unworthy of love. Which is complete and utter nonsense. The other thing I found out about what I do with my love is that I am generous, caring, supportive, thoughtful, and even sacrificial. I am somewhat fearless with the love I give. I am also independent. The kind of independent that doesn't require a lot of "taking care of". That's when I realized, it wasn't me it was him. Similar to my ex-husband John. When there are so few 'needs' that need met with me, not getting the basic kindness and support that should be found between two people in a relationship, is a huge deal.
God teaches that he wants what is good for us, and that we should love others, even strangers, as we would want to be loved. There comes a point in love when it is no longer loving. I'm not talking the horrific situation of abuse, because that is not done out of love. I am talking about the clear absence of love, the verb, in a relationship. I will never forget another thing Bob Goff says and that is that "Love does." Fill your life with people that do the work of love.
