January 21, 2013- Righting wrongs

I know a young man in California, we had a brief flirtation a few years back, and we have recently had the opportunity to catch up via text. He asked for advice on women. He said that he met plenty of women but that it never really panned out.  I offered him some tips on approaching women and little things to boost his confidence. A week or so went by and he told me that a girl he had been getting to know and really starting to like, pulled the rug out from under him because she met someone else. Now, I pegged it instantly that she was young (23 maybe he said) and knowing what I know of this guy I offered this advice:
                   "It's easy to get caught up in the compliments and the fantasy. We've all done it. But really it's good if you think about it, serves proof that you're willing, when the right person comes along, to invest in a relationship."
I then asked him a question that I am sure made him roll his eyes...I asked him if he loved himself. We all know how much men love these kinds of questions. When he finally answered he said he didn't think so.
Then I went on to say that most people have a lot of negative self talk (80% of all our thoughts are negative), the way we criticize ourselves is awful. We would never treat a friend that way (probably not even a stranger) but we continue to beat ourselves up everyday. We have expectations of ourselves that are so completely out of touch with reality that God himself couldn't live up to them. Really, I'm supposed to wake up energized and happy? (not on your life). Working mothers are supposed to be loving, supportive, caring, a perfect disciplinarian, a devoted and sex crazed wife, never losing their temper, never wanting to punch their husbands in the throat and for the love of God they should have a clean house all the while (sign me up for that job!).
I've had a huge problem with this all my life..and what ended up happening is that I could never believe or really accept love from another person, and could you imagine how terrifying marriage really is to me...my overblown expectations of being a single person are horrifying enough, imagine when I am in coupledom and take on the responsibility of someone elses TOTAL HAPPINESS! And kids? shit..how would my head not just shatter into a million bits? And don't get me started on guilt. At what point do we just stop it all?  Looking in the mirror and saying that there is no way I am loved for my looks, so there has to be an ulterior motive. Knowing in the core of my being that I was unlovable. (Isn't that crazy..I'm so awesome..I mean..what the hell was I thinking??)

If you're reading this right now and shaking your head in acknowledgment then I have this to say to you: You are a perfectionist. You want answers instantly and even though you can be arrogant about your intellectual abilities, you are ridiculing yourself constantly about every other detail in your life. You keep score. You don't intend to "give" in order to "get" but when all things boil down to the bare bones...you feel disappointed when someone doesn't reciprocate an action or a sentiment the way you hoped. "After all I've done? That's what I get?" Am I close? Are you going to let that abusive bastard talk to you that way?

Moving back to Indiana was cathartic for me. I feel at home in my own skin for the first time in a decade. That alone, allowed me to loosen the vice grip of negativity that kept playing in my mind. I got sleep and I slept well, allowing me to wake up and feel able to accomplish things. Before I would berate myself about not having the energy to get done everything that I thought SHOULD get done- I would lose before I even began. Now I imagine that the voice in my head is really talking to my dearest friend and guess what..I'm encouraging, forgiving, funny, relaxed and I don't give a damn if the litter box gets cleaned out today or not.
But the most amazing thing of all is that the people that I loved before...I love more than ever now. My heart has exponentially grown overnight because I finally feel their love. Wait, no....I finally have allowed myself to believe their love was real. Taking away that self loathing and replacing it with the gentle knowledge that we are all fallible, that we are not defined by what we don't, but by what we do, and that it's ok to like the person we've become, maybe even love them.

There is someone in my life that I need to apologize to- for not trusting the love, the care and the happiness that they were trying to give...
Dear Self- I am so very sorry for abusing you mentally and emotionally all these years. For undermining your good moods, for picking apart everything you have ever done, and for planting seeds of doubt and negativity in every relationship you have ever had- for all these things I am so very sorry. And self- if you have in fact lost the love of your life forever, then please know, that I will sit with you through your pain and loss for as long as you need, I will wipe your tears and hold your soul until you are ready to stop grieving and able to move on. I will be there to remind you that to be human is to be capable of making mistakes and that no one will die because of it. I will spend the rest of my life righting the wrongs I've done to you.
Your Soul Mate-
Me