Dear Brooke,
Today is your birthday. 36! Congratulations. Considering some of the moronic shit you've done in these past 3 decades it's actually a miracle you are still alive! (really- backroading?? just because there isn't much to run in to out in the middle of nowhere doesn't mean you can't get yourself killed drinking and driving..and all that peeing in the road!) Not to mention the abundant amount of talking to strangers, bad Internet dating, swimming after eating, and overall general shenanigans that have resulted in an unknown amount of liver damage. So it's generally believed that if you've made it this far you're probably not going anywhere anytime soon. (but your liver kindly asks to keep it in mind the next time someone yells SHOTS!)
But it's time to get serious. 36 means a lot of things. It's an age where the body wants to start a downward spiral and it will happen, but let's not allow it free range with the gas pedal. SPF, working out, healthy food, less alcohol, lots of peace of mind, and laughter.
Goals for the next 36 years-
love
laugh
take risks
enjoy your family (the one you were born into and the one you created)
give it your best shot
always be true to who you are
stop worrying what size pants you wear
be "all in"
never lose your spirit of adventure
All my love,
the one and only you
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Sunday, August 5, 2012
August 5, 2012
It has not escaped my attention that I may, in fact be, a complete moron. There are various anecdotes that would actually prove this theory correctly. For instance, I picked up a National Geographic magazine about Space and the Universe and when I got home to read it, I quickly realized I was just looking at the cool pictures. They were swirly and twinkly with pretty colors..not my fault. The photographer- editor magazine dude should get a raise! Anyway..I decided that for $12.95 the least I could do was read an article or two. So I did. Which makes me want to build a deep underground bunker so that when the next huge solar flare wipes out all of earth's inhabitants, well in reality I'll probably still be dead, but not so much instantaneous powder form like all the surface walkers (that's who I would be warning on my doomsday, big cardboard sign-that I would swirl around while dancing with my headphones on the corner of Las Vegas Blvd and Flamingo, next to the dude in the platform boots wearing sparkly butterfly wings and very little else.) Yes.. the articles were terrifying. Asteroids colliding, moons doing things.. I don't know.. there were lots of big words and large numbers and it was really enough to make me want to eat A LOT of oatmeal cream pies, because really.. they always cheer me up. And according to these sciency astrophysicality types we're doomed in the next 600 years. Excusethefuckoutof me? I know. 600 years. Seriously ass face. You write this article all intimidating and making me feel helpless as an ant on a freeway and at the end you mention it's not really OUR concern, but it COULD be. (I guess those 2 cream pies will have to be considered unnecessary at this juncture). This is why I don't read smarty pants stuff, or watch sophisticated news shows like Fox (ahhhh hahahahaha! Bazinga!) You see what I'm getting at correct? It doesn't matter what view you take or what apocalyptic stance you dread the most...something..SOME THING will eventually get us. I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer (wouldn't that be a great porn star name! Along with Hershey Ramrod!) but it's as if we all worry about our weight, our health, our status, our soul...and in the end...what? We might all end up on the wrong side of a bad B-movie and actually die an instant death by incineration (I hope I'm eating a Little Debbie). Not a bad way to go.
I know in that previous bit of intellectualizing I was trying to do there were multiple examples of my moronic self..but apparently I have no shame and will continue on this conversation thread. Another reason why I'm a complete moron, shit. I lost my train of thought. Well- hey..there ya go!
Oh yeah..I remember..after just watching the award winning movie (I should certainly hope anyway) Magic Mike- I have a quandary. Why is it called a Male Revue? I suppose it has something to do with the fact that I'm thinking Male Review- but obviously..that isn't the spelling and obviously technology has made it so hard to look up a damn word (when your technology runs slower than traffic jam) that I could really care less because the fact of the matter is hot shit and holy water..that boy is gifted (Mr Tatum- I'm single and I know stuff- call me!). Did you see those body rolls and no Mom I'm not explaining what that means..but it does not in fact have anything to do with the body rolls I am assuming you are thinking of- as he clearly has NONE of those. Think of it as a dance move. Have Kelly show you!!! ahahaha- Love ya sissy!
Bazinga! Oh Sheldon Cooper- you put the crack in my ass you're so funny.
Having had my own male stripper experience with an incredibly dreamy, oh so yummy -makes Channing Tatum look like a plain farm boy kind of guy- I can say with absolute confidence that it is a GIFT. You can't teach that kind of sex on legs wanna climb him like a jungle gym because of the simple way he moves his body...it is a natural talent. I know this because I myself- could never be taught that kind of yowza. Some of you have seen me dance, and more than one of you has said that I remind you of Drew Berrymore in "Never Been Kissed" when she's stoned, dancing on stage, riding a hot pink boa like one of those horse heads on a stick. (To summarize- DISASTER!) And Kim..who actually took me to a strip pole dance class can attest that I'm as sexy as two paraplegics fighting over the handicap seat. So I feel I have the knowledge regarding the talents and gifts of strippers..and I say HELL YES put pole dancing in the Olympics...much more exciting than badmitton or curling? wtf???
Have you ever imagined someone being a paraplegic from the waist up??? You know..they sit there all shaking a leg at you trying to get your attention, which would suck unless they learned REALLY BIG sign language and used their legs for it...that'd be one hot mess- especially if the lady wanted to wear a skirt...poor thing with her goodies hanging out. Someone get her some pants!
yes.. I have officially offended almost everyone. The cripples (is it bad that I'm giggling at using that word..it's kind of fun to go all politically incorrect- say it with me....cripples!!) The Strippers and the Porn stars..and even Little Debbie would probably wish to be removed from this particular blog even though it's just because she's an uptight bitch without a sense of humor and she was in the smart section of the blog anyway!
Dear Hostess,
Debbie called - she's seen Magic Mike- she wants a vibrator and a continuous loop of the scene in the movie where Mike is stripping to the song My Pony by Ginuwine. It's the least you could do.
Your faithful customer,
Brooke I want a hot piece of stripper ass so I might feel smarter Albertson
I know in that previous bit of intellectualizing I was trying to do there were multiple examples of my moronic self..but apparently I have no shame and will continue on this conversation thread. Another reason why I'm a complete moron, shit. I lost my train of thought. Well- hey..there ya go!
Oh yeah..I remember..after just watching the award winning movie (I should certainly hope anyway) Magic Mike- I have a quandary. Why is it called a Male Revue? I suppose it has something to do with the fact that I'm thinking Male Review- but obviously..that isn't the spelling and obviously technology has made it so hard to look up a damn word (when your technology runs slower than traffic jam) that I could really care less because the fact of the matter is hot shit and holy water..that boy is gifted (Mr Tatum- I'm single and I know stuff- call me!). Did you see those body rolls and no Mom I'm not explaining what that means..but it does not in fact have anything to do with the body rolls I am assuming you are thinking of- as he clearly has NONE of those. Think of it as a dance move. Have Kelly show you!!! ahahaha- Love ya sissy!
Bazinga! Oh Sheldon Cooper- you put the crack in my ass you're so funny.
Having had my own male stripper experience with an incredibly dreamy, oh so yummy -makes Channing Tatum look like a plain farm boy kind of guy- I can say with absolute confidence that it is a GIFT. You can't teach that kind of sex on legs wanna climb him like a jungle gym because of the simple way he moves his body...it is a natural talent. I know this because I myself- could never be taught that kind of yowza. Some of you have seen me dance, and more than one of you has said that I remind you of Drew Berrymore in "Never Been Kissed" when she's stoned, dancing on stage, riding a hot pink boa like one of those horse heads on a stick. (To summarize- DISASTER!) And Kim..who actually took me to a strip pole dance class can attest that I'm as sexy as two paraplegics fighting over the handicap seat. So I feel I have the knowledge regarding the talents and gifts of strippers..and I say HELL YES put pole dancing in the Olympics...much more exciting than badmitton or curling? wtf???
Have you ever imagined someone being a paraplegic from the waist up??? You know..they sit there all shaking a leg at you trying to get your attention, which would suck unless they learned REALLY BIG sign language and used their legs for it...that'd be one hot mess- especially if the lady wanted to wear a skirt...poor thing with her goodies hanging out. Someone get her some pants!
yes.. I have officially offended almost everyone. The cripples (is it bad that I'm giggling at using that word..it's kind of fun to go all politically incorrect- say it with me....cripples!!) The Strippers and the Porn stars..and even Little Debbie would probably wish to be removed from this particular blog even though it's just because she's an uptight bitch without a sense of humor and she was in the smart section of the blog anyway!
Dear Hostess,
Debbie called - she's seen Magic Mike- she wants a vibrator and a continuous loop of the scene in the movie where Mike is stripping to the song My Pony by Ginuwine. It's the least you could do.
Your faithful customer,
Brooke I want a hot piece of stripper ass so I might feel smarter Albertson
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