September 22, 2013

So here I am, feeling a bit goofy blogging so soon after my last blog. But, there's something inside of me, a knowing that I feel I should share.

I've lived my life being restless. Restless to get out of high school and then college. Hurrying along the path of life. GET ME THERE. What does that mean? Get me to a place where I am comfortable breathing in my own skin. I know only one or two other people that have felt this similar unease. Wishing for peace and solitude. Finding that small piece of  heaven in our very own universe. From coast to coast I searched. Finding it in small pockets of time and emotion. Reaching out to hold onto it, but never getting it in my grip. There have been souls on my path, sign holders, of which way I should turn. I wasn't fluent in sign language. It's there. Even beyond my own fumbling ability, I can see it. But seeing and learning something isn't necessarily knowing it.

Living the life- the dream really, of success, love and happiness is not how you might imagine. A great love in a great city, the world at your feet: it's not there. Loving beyond reason with your entire being: it's not there. Giving more of yourself than you knew you had: it's not there. Taking every precaution, every simple act of faith, every step toward stability does not ensure that you'll get it right.

It's not out there. It's not in the car, the home, the job, the love of your better half. It's not in the amazing feeling of knowing you've been THERE; it's not in the stories of boy bands or celebrity sightings. I recently felt so sad because my dream life in Vegas was over and that my fourth trip to Paris is NOWHERE near to becoming a reality. That New York City will not see my presence any time soon and that 2002 was a long, long time ago. I've felt the stereotypical judgment of being who I am when I am me at this very moment. I am one person's dream and another person's nightmare. I am free. I am unrestricted in life. Money is my only limiter. My laugh can be shared with whom ever I want. My time can be spent completely selfishly because there is no one that relies on me besides my pets. I am capable of limitless things. I am alone.
I make great money and even though my credit was trashed in my divorce that doesn't stop me from moving forward.

I sleep as much as I want.
I exercise when I feel like it.
I drink when I want. Eat what I want.
I go out of town when I want.

You need to hear this.
Listen to me now.
Life is NOT this moment. They tell you it is. They tell you not to hold on to promises of the future because they are not guaranteed. Life is made up of memories and moments. There is truth in that but I beg of you to hear me.
Life begins when you know who YOU are. Not the daughter. Not the wife. Not the sister, cousin, girlfriend, best friend, enemy, co-worker, or mother. It's You who sits on the edge of tomorrow, with no regard of anything but your own volition to go forward- that is where life lives. Few have the chance to relish in that space. To dream and breath and belong in the entirety of themselves. What you find there, in that nanosecond, is that YOU are enough. No fancy clothes or designer anythings make a damn dent in that brief breath of forever. To glimpse the truth that nothing defines you but the walls of your own making. To realize that someone else's judgment of you is their own truth that has no basis of reality in your life. Your mirror is your mind. It is breakable, but it is also incredibly strong, durable and capable of reflecting what stands before it. Stand there in the strength of who you are.

YOU choose.
That feeling of happiness is yours...because it's you.
That anger, that frustration, is yours....because it's you.
Pain= you.
Laughter= you.
debt=you.
fear=you.
sickness=you.
LOVE=YOU.
choose wisely. It is in your power to be happy, healthy or miserable.
It is your right to live fully in love and fulfillment.
Feed yourself with the beauty that you find in life. In sunshine and rain. In the sweet tenderness of love for another. In an unrecognizable moment of pride. Yes... my friend, you are THAT amazing, and not just in that blink of an eye. It's a lifetime of awesome wrapped in the flicker of an instant. Trust me.

I love amazing cities. I love knowing that Paris, Las Vegas, Nashville, Boston and Orlando are like pieces of my soul. I love that music affects me to my core and that I hold a special spot in my heart for the less fortunate..people, animals, homes...you name it. I love that I can take care of a complete stranger with everything that I have and walk away in the morning knowing, ultimately, it is not in my hands. I know that for good, bad or ugly- I believe in who I am today. I am the best I have ever been and still the least of what I will one day be. And so are you. No one knocks on our door to give us a gold star for some good deed we might have done. There are no awards for best in class- because life isn't in a classroom. Feed the need to be better. Live the life that moves you forward towards fulfillment. Whatever YOUR fulfillment might be. That is where you find heaven.
I hope to see you there, now or in another life.
Always,
Brooke

September 18, 2013

I've been laughing a lot lately. Good belly laughs and it feels great. I think it really is the best medicine. For instance, today I took my 100 pound dog Beetle outside and as we were walking there was a big puddle from what looked to be the sewer backing up. I stopped and decided to just leap over it, sort of ballerina style. Very graceful, I'm sure you can imagine. I figured Beetle, big boned as she is, would just prance right through it. NO. She looked like she considered her options and then she "jumped" over the puddle. Ok. Ok. I will redefine the word jump in this instance...it was more of a waddle mid air. She cleared the puddle, partly. If she didn't have those pesky back legs she would have totally landed it! I was so astonished that I almost ran into the pine tree. I have never seen her be so proud of herself. Which is good because every time she attempts to get on the couch, I see a brief look of fear and despair as one back leg gets up and as if the sheer will of raising her nose as high as possible will bring the other back leg up she grunts and notches her nose up even higher...and dutifully, the back leg follows. She plops down exasperated, seemingly looking at me like "bring my food over here, I'm never moving again". But then sees the cat and goes flying off the couch ten seconds later. Silly dog. 

Let me take a poll...how drunk do you think someone would have to be, for them to be offered a helmet to wear? bwahahahaahaha...yes, I know a few people that meet this criteria fairly often. But seriously, you're having a great time- boozing and hanging with friends and someone says, hey, you need to wear this helmet because I think you've had too much to drink. I think I would be all shocked like..What! I'm not that drunk, and promptly test gravity by falling down. After I put the helmet on, I might then ask for knee and elbow pads- and it goes without saying, I would want a lid for my cup. In defense of the guy who inspired this, he was on a group beer bike ride..basically everyone pedals while drinking and the one guy who escorts the group steers you all around downtown. So, I suppose a helmet in this instance would be appropriate. Who in the hell wants to peddle while drinking? I mean, I prefer to do my shenanigans in places that let me express my inner dancing queen. Drinking on a bike? Does your butt not hurt as bad after sitting on it that long because you've been drinking? I would insist on an inappropriately loud horn to honk at strangers with because otherwise I would just feel like a douche bag. And what astonishes me are the dudes who came up with this whole idea.."hey dude...you know what would be cool...a big picnic table that holds a keg of beer in the middle."..."Dude! that would be awesome..we could put wheels on it and ride it around..how awesome would that be?!" "freakin awesome dude. pass that bud you're hogging". I might know a few guys who were the creators of this whole hot mess. 

Dear Baby Jesus,

If you can walk on water, and turn that water into wine, would you make a group paddle boat so people could paddle around drinking? Just curious.

Your faithful servant,

Brooke-not-without-my-helmet-Albertson