January 22, 2017

My life, like yours, has unfolded in every passing second. We all know how fragile life really is when faced with a sudden loss, a tragic event, or even the absence of something that we thought was to come, but doesn't. There are monumental moments we can all probably pinpoint and say "everything changed at that point" or that somehow things were never the same. Imagining my life plotted out by monumental moments, like a connect the dot puzzle, I can say for certain that the image would be unfocused, the dots not even connecting in some cases.
Like a Magic Eye print, the story of my life would need to be viewed with the ability to relax the eyes and forget what it is you think you should be seeing. I wonder if this is how God works with us to make the big picture, a lifetime of moments.
I think it is safe to say that it is in our grief, pain and struggle that we grow stronger. Stronger in the getting up and more resistant to the knocking down. I have this- idea- floating in and out of focus. This straw that I've been grasping at and it goes something like this: If we got to see that Magic Eye print of our lives before we had to live them, in detail that we would never again see, how might that affect the living of life? Do we, from a depth of our soul that, for all intents and purposes, can not be known while we are living- make monumental moment decisions for the sake of the greatest good in all the lives affected? Do we leave a love to spare a greater pain in the staying? Do we accept the cruelty of painful loss so unimaginable in order to ensure the fate of another? Are we somehow allowed to live blinded to our significance, whether far greater or far lesser than we imagine? In a way, it would be the cosmic reality of "if I knew then what I know now". What if we do and in some way we have orchestrated the very fold of each passing second?
Would you sacrifice your youth for success? Would you endure the loss of a child for the creation of many more? Would you push your life to it's pain threshold to maximize the equal but opposite reaction of joy? By choosing to never marry, are you saving someone or something far bigger than your personal reach can go? Would you choose the middle ground and live a life that is a dull shade of brown? Is it better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all? I guess it depends on how far that ripple might go.
When our greatest strength escapes us and the ability to defend our life or the lives of those we love comes to pass, what might it be allowing in the seemingly perpetual unfolding of time? I can't imagine that anyone would chose the path of a suicide bomber, unless the suicide bomber knows something so profoundly life altering (without really knowing he knows) that death is kinder. The idea is very flawed. As a matter of fact, it is a fanciful daydream to somehow condone bad past behaviors, a way to soften the gut wrenching pain of any one of life's many wounding weapons. It in some way cheapens the very experiences that are capable of transforming one simple life.
I am grateful for the pain. I am grateful for the hate. I am grateful for the cruelty of another human being. Because each moment of being punched in the throat by life, was just more tension added in the opposite direction for love and joy. Don't shield yourself from possible pain or ridicule. Don't do your children a disservice by letting them get trophies when they lose. Allow the hard parts of life to come as they may because the beauty of the opposite direction is where fulfillment lives.

Bye Felicia - not my monkey, not my circus

I generally wear my emotions on my sleeve, my face, and my voice, shoot, even in my exhale. I'm guessing there isn't a lot of surprises when interacting with me. Although, my seriousness and my frustration can look incredibly alike. Things have come up in the recent past about my "personality" at work. It has bothered me tremendously and to be honest, I'm sick of thinking about it. But with that being said, I can't drop it just yet.
The only person who has written an incident report on me, is myself, in 20 years of nursing (although this is under the assumption that I would be told if I had been written up, maybe that's not how it happens). I have never and will never claim that I have never made a mistake. It seems ridiculous to even say that because I don't know anyone that would say they are the perfect nurse. And yet, clinical error seems to carry less weight than an error in communication or interaction with other staff. When I'm snarky, in a bad mood, I will apologize for it, even to people that my 'attitude' wasn't directed at. My mannerisms, dry sense of humor, and snappy wit apparently offend people. In other words, I cross everyone's "bitch" threshold much lower than I knew. Well, here in Kentucky anyway. So, this is what bothers me- I'm not easy to work with because I can basically call bullshit when people are making up answers, not taking responsibility for their error, and when I won't stand for a double standard. So, instead of festering and going to the boss about something that I think grown folks should be able to resolve between each other, I get to the bottom of it right there. You start laughing when I am talking about an issue at hand, I'm going to ask what you think is so funny. My co-workers see you rolling your eyes as I'm trying to help you get your job done quicker- because you didn't do it right in the first place, I'm gonna confront you with it. The last time I checked, this is a workplace and not a playground. If you want to sit around while I do work that will eventually need to be done, then don't get upset when I have something to say about you taking a break, or leaving when there are things that need to be done at the moment. If you think I'm bossy, it's because in my book you aren't enough of a self-starter, or self-motivated to see something and do something about it when something needs to be done. Kind of like the military- only doing what's been told to you to do...not allowed in nursing, at least not how I was raised as a nurse. If you come to me and ask me how things are done, but then don't ask for feedback on something that is made permanent, you've completely shot yourself in the foot because now you've made me just a person you need something from and not a co-worker. If you agree that I shouldn't have made my job so important to me, by caring so much about the patient outcomes, and customer service to not just the patients but with the staff, that I should just think of it as a job, then I don't want to work with you. Because you'll be the same person that says, "don't start doing that because they'll expect you to do it all the time, and it's not our job".
When I apply for the position that I am already doing and training your new staff to do, and you don't tell me what is really going on or why you haven't decided to interview me yet, I'll figure it out myself. People talk.
And guess what- if I had meant the things that someone overheard me say but never clarified with us that it was an inside joke between me and the other person, and you believed I really said it seriously to another person, you should have fired me. The fact that not only did you not fire me, you never asked me about it, or asked my side of it. And apparently since you are holding it against me then you believe it to be true (and not the reality of it being the hard time friends give each other- because, you know, I'm just a nurse), which means you would tolerate that foul behavior, that I believe only a psychopath would have in the workplace. Thanks, but no thanks.

So there I was...: Dec 24th- What I have learned in 2016

So there I was...: Dec 24th- What I have learned in 2016: If I had to summarize 2016 in one word- it would be 'heartbreaking', the entire spectrum of the word. Civilized Americans went on ...

Dec 24th- What I have learned in 2016

If I had to summarize 2016 in one word- it would be 'heartbreaking', the entire spectrum of the word.
Civilized Americans went on hateful rants everyday. Spewing judgment and intolerance onto anyone with a different view. What I feel should have happened this election year, is that those running for the POTUS should be vetted like the immigrants coming into this country. I'm sure that both Clinton and Trump would be labeled terrorists and not allowed  entry into the United States. I think a better show of "united" states might have been a population that refuses to be bullied and bought by fake news, propaganda, and the media bias. How can we as a nation of civilized people, be unable to refuse the choices being presented to us for the leader of our country? Why and how, did our Presidential ballot have two "evils".  It is truly disheartening.

I guess I have the answer to that, also due to my experiences this year.
The American people are lied to. Everyday. Lied to by news outlets reporting from all over the world. In fact, I've found that the truth of things reported is about 165 degrees in the opposite direction- or the information has no basis in reality whatsoever. We are merely puppets. Even thinking, investigating and coming to the conclusion that we are steered by the power elite of the world somehow still makes us pawns in a game we never wanted to play in the first place. Edward Snowden blew the whistle on the surveillance, worldwide, of unsuspecting people. The NSA and the governments of many countries around the world agreed to collect meta-data at a rate of 1 billion/per second, to store in case they might need it someday. I'm admitting right now that I have been the one to say- who cares- I haven't got anything to hide. I don't. But that no longer seems like a legitimate answer. The investigation into the NSA found testimony blatantly denying that it was happening and we're supposed to believe that they just stopped because new laws were passed?
Does anyone else think, as I do, that the corruption in our politics- home and abroad- is ...heartbreaking? I have lost any notion that the government of the United States is "for the people".

2016 has taught me that we are all terrorists. The bad guys who think they are good guys get to call the good guys terrorists. And terrorists get to call governmental authorities terrorists. And the American population gets to condemn anyone from the Middle East as a terrorist, for reasons I still can't understand. When Syrian citizens began to rebel against their government, President Bashir Assad, because of the corruption and distrust of their government (because of the killing of its civilians), guess what they were called? Terrorists. When the real terrorist was their president. Ironically, the "war on terror" made the United States terrorists in the Middle East and yet again the cycle of bloodshed continues.
As a side note- If a country is in the midst of a civil war and the US needs to pick a side- how do you think we would go about picking that side? It will be picked by deciding which side has more to offer us. Whether by trade, military advantages, or other capitalist objectives- I'm sure there are lots of noble things our country does around the world, I'm not saying that we are just a bullying, money and power hungry democracy. I'm saying that rose colored glasses shouldn't be the main pair you wear when reading or watching the news and it's coverage of our involvement in foreign affairs.

I also found a young Muslim man to be more filled with the light of God, then the people who have condemned him because of his ethnic and religious background, some of those people being in my own family. Which leads me to another lesson I learned in 2016- it is easier for people to hate and fear than to listen to logic and reason. The young muslim man has become like a brother to me. But I find it heartbreaking that it seems I have lost one to gain one.

After working in the ICU setting for the majority of my career, I have discovered that stepping away from the bedside of critical care has not released the burden of stress I feel during non-critical nursing care. I am sure that this could be classified as post-traumatic behavior, the compulsion to wait for something terrible to the patient right in front of me. To prepare my work area for worst-case scenarios and being highly sensitive to others who don't see the thousands of potential things that could go wrong (maybe because they've never worked critical care). And jumping into another nurse's care of a patient when I was certainly not invited to do so and it certainly wasn't a life or death situation, is apparently considered unhelpful and bossy. The residual of years working in a very fast paced, high stress department has made me a not so favorite nurse to work with and this year, I've been humbled.

2016 has taught me that last conversations can be haunting, first impressions can be completely wrong, and that the dog nose prints left on the back windows of my car can be more important than a huge jar of her ashes. Even if it has been a year and half since I lost her.

2016 has also taught me that God answers my prayers, that making time to walk through the bible and getting to understand His message for me is more important than exercise in treating my depression, and that gratitude to God for the miracle of my life is cause enough to spend the rest of it showing others the love and grace He has shown me. I have learned that when in doubt, kneel.

December 3, 2016

I recently spent a weekend in New York City with 3 women that I have known for ages and who I admire and respect. A girls weekend for birthday celebrations, for the chance to escape from the everyday, and for the experience of adding to our collective histories. Two of them were sisters that I went to high school with and the other I met 15 years ago in Orlando. A sacred sister from the get go. One of the biggest changes, besides the obvious effect of the years that have passed, was the well known use of Uber. Forget catching a cab, log in and load your destination, and within minutes, some stranger, driving a Camry (they all seemed to drive Camrys) will get you to your destination. The problem with this is that the likelihood of your driver not being able to maneuver around Manhattan in any way besides the little red line on their cell-phone or iPad, are high. You end up being the schmucks in the middle of the intersection for 10 minutes, just because some map app decided that this particular one way street was better than the one previous. Then to arrive at our destination only to realize we could've walked the 3 1/2 blocks in less time than it took to get through the intersection of death. 

Our dinner conversations were the second thing that had definitely changed. No laughter over Sex and the City episodes, or tales of long work outs that didn't seem to be giving the buns of steel they promised, or the topic that naturally followed of get skinny quick diets that some celebrity waif was selling in a 30 minute infomercial. The conversations ranged from the epic election that was only a few days away (the general consensus being that our government and the elected officials are more crooked than a game of Twister) to the various different growing pains we individually had struggled through in our recent years; depression, anxiety, divorce, job burnout, family strife, vulnerability, and the growing suspicion that embracing singleness for the blessings it offers was, in fact, the one shift in consciousness that made the milestones of life (or lack thereof) less rigid and overbearing. And those were just mine. 

We also talked about children, life without them, futures that could involve them, and the state of childhood today. I recounted my flight into Newark. Sitting next to a woman who had moved to Lexington, from Manhattan, only a year ago. Our conversation was rich with honesty and one truth bomb (for her) she laid on me was that children are over-rated. She talked so lovingly about her two children and her partner, a man also from Manhattan (A side conversation was had about what to call someone you're in a relationship with when you're over the age of 40. Boyfriend being too juvenile, partner leaving the impression of a homosexual relationship, and mate sounding like an Australian drinking buddy). So she and her "man-friend," we jokingly called him, had opted to have children together without the marriage. She offered up explanations regarding her view of having had children. The fact that they are all consuming was a big one. Their basic needs up to and including loving them and feeling no other such emotion is astronomically complex in the emotional realm of life. Neglecting self and partner, for the treasures of your life, takes a portion of your psyche and fills it with guilt and shame for having thoughts that no one dares speak of for fear of being ostracized, or sent to an AA meeting. I applauded her for her honesty and ability to let it speak for itself. 

There is more to this than just selfish reasons, in fact none of the reasons really sounded selfish to me. It's not about being unable to make lunch dates with the ladies, or traveling to exotic, lush resorts. It's about having your mind hijacked by fear, worry, stress, self-loathing, bitterness, anger, impatience, and unconditional love. Parenting is all consuming and it's in a world that demands more and more of one's attention, not as a parent, but as a citizen of this planet. 

I know mothers who would not change their choice of having children for anything. That being a Mom has been their dream since they were children. It gives them meaning and ultimate happiness. They are women with gracious and generous souls. 

I'm just going to say the majority of us in NYC were not in that category.

The world hasn't decided what to make of us. It's funny, thinking about being old without children to take care of me or grandchildren to spoil, used to leave me feeling uneasy. I have only just realized that I might not be in the minority in the future and I imagine my future being very much closer to the Golden Girls, then some grayish-green colored nursing home of loneliness.

No longer crazy old cat ladies or spinsters. I do think all of us have a maternal instinct, of various strengths of course, we are the singles that can mother, or father, the world. 

A Metallica song comes to mind- "Wherever we may roam"- indeed, we'll be watching for the opportunities to pass on our values and wisdom. To be a blessing to any child at any time. 

Ahh. Life is splendid. 

Of course, some things never change. There was laughter, drinks, tears, and photo ops. There was a lost clutch, that had been in my Momma Sophia purse, that had apparently been replaced with an open bottle of Stella Artois. For sure, shenanigans are always called for.

 

So there I was...: Land of the free, home of the dead

So there I was...: Land of the free, home of the dead: I’m not sure what I want to write about but I know that my entire being is in a state of overflowing thoughts and concerns. I looked at a ...

Land of the free, home of the dead

I’m not sure what I want to write about but I know that my entire being is in a state of overflowing thoughts and concerns. I looked at a neighborhood here in Lexington that is on the Reservoir. Even considering buying a townhome to call mine permanently. There is something so off putting about the idea of permanence these days. The country that I have grown up in, that has given me freedoms that millions of people can only imagine and enough of everything- food, water, clothing, TV networks and blockbuster movies. A country that in its short life span has risen to the status of world Super Power.

But does being a Super Power mean that those powers are used for good? For me, history class taught me that our military skills helped saved millions of people in World War 2. I didn’t learn much about Vietnam, or Desert Storm for that matter. The bulk of history I’ve learned after high school has come from TV. A very biased and censored information source.

Does the winning team admit to cheating? Do the good guys ever do the deeds of the bad guys? Do human beings naturally feel compelled to admit when they are wrong? Are we so gullible as to believe that our status as the USA in this world is one of a humble, do-gooder that goes out to seek and serve justice in areas where no qualified judge and jury exists? Are we brain washed throughout our primary education to believe that we are the best country in the world and taught only the evidence that supports that instead of the reality that exists?

And yet we condemn every country in the world that does the same thing. People say Muslims are brain washing their children to hate America and to champion their own country and beliefs. Why do Muslims teach their children these beliefs? Is it justification of the oppression that gets dispersed throughout their countries? Do the governments of Muslim nations weave dark, evil stories of the ‘West’ in order to rally support for defending their nations and engaging in wars that only suit their interests?

Does the average US citizen realize the view outside, looking in to this country is not pretty? The horror of children killed in accidental shootings because of the negligence of their parents? The laughable waste of resources in our very own country full of hungry, even homeless men, women and children. The excesses that we can’t live without and the hours of vacation we will never take because our material lives matter more than any other part of our lives. A country with no moral priority and little encouragement that anyone, anywhere is going to stand up and demand that as a citizen of this great country we should at the minimum hold some inalienable truths to be MORE than self-evident. That we the people should give a good God damn whether or not we are living the values and the beliefs of a good and honorable nation. As the rest of the world looks at the race for the most powerful position in the world, two people brought up and put on pedestals; as the best that we have to offer to be the beacon of beliefs for all that we stand for and hope for, for our country. The world is left dumbstruck as to what has happened to allow such a mockery and reality TV show cringe worthy excuse for a Presidential election. Where is dignity? Where is diplomacy and concern for the citizens of this country? Where is the simple element of proper manners and class, honor and respect for this position of power? It simply has been beaten out of priority.

We live in a country that has 6 story high billboards of women in underwear but doesn’t want to be so put out as to see a woman breast feeding in public. We watch shows of death and violence, sex and power and allow this filth in our homes where children are being raised to be upstanding citizens.  Only to scratch our heads when teenagers shoot up schools. The uneducated arrogance that gets to root for their race over all others, and has the audacity to actually believe, through and through, that because there is a difference that must mean one has to be better than the other. The mean spirited rivalries in sports. Teaching our children that loyalty is better than grace.

Looking through the eagle eye view at the country we live in, the world sees injustice, inequality, corruption, oppression, addiction and citizens who aren’t even batting an eye at it. The world looks into this Christian nation and laughs at what a mockery we are next to people who live good, humble and noble lives without a single belief in a higher being. The Christian Nation who has done so much less for their own, then what non-Christian nations have done for others. Walking out of million dollar churches, many parishioners drive past the slums, the ghettos, and the homeless. Making sure their car door is locked. Those who live with more than just thoughts of themselves; those who are kind, caring and not afraid to help others. This is what we should be standing for. Those who don’t act on the basis of some ulterior motive. Children, at a young age when they have not yet been initiated into the American mindset, are like this. People who have a passion for something, anything and putting it to good use, this is what we need more of in our neighborhoods, communities and towns.

People like my mother, who opened an entire recycling center in the late 90’s when only a few dumpsters would have done the job.

People like the teenagers that formed a cheering section for the juvenile detention center basketball team, because no one was there to cheer them on when local high school teams came to play them.

People like the numerous young entrepreneurs under the age of 12 that have seen a need in their schools for children who didn’t have lunch money or went hungry over the weekend. Children taking action to do for others because there was no reason not to.

Imagine your city, your street if you knew more people on a personal level. Celebrating life’s great events. Like my sister Carrie who put together a party at the local park, paying for the band and bringing people together for the experience of community. If community meant more than the fancy name of some subdivision in some cookie cutter suburb that can be found in every state of this country, then imagine who we might have running for President instead.

There is a great war going on, although here in the US we are lead to believe that we are sending our military troops in to do the right thing, the best thing for the citizens of war torn countries. That the leaders of our country are fighting the good fight. Countries being terrorized by the very rebels we armed when we needed them. The US has currently built up military fronts on the western border of Russia, with more troops than what was at the height of the cold war. The US has stock piled more and more nuclear weapons than any other time in the history as a country. The US Military has trained with Australia ways to block China from getting through to the Middle East for reasons we are not quite privy to. We killed millions in Iraq, Yemen, Libya, Somalia, Saudi Arabia, Syria and who knows where else over the last 10-15 years, but most of us don’t know anything about that. Most don’t know that we’ve sold weapons to rebels, countries and military groups that are engaged in genocide, war crimes and worse. A lot of Americans can’t understand why so many foreign countries look down on us in disdain. We the people are the bullies of the world. We have our freedoms and insist that everyone else have our same governmental ideology. No one else in this world has the right to be anything but like the American way. A homogenous world of American democracy looks a lot like a dictatorship. Comply or die.

We have been living in beautiful ignorance for far too long. My mind churns out ideas for change. My heart hopes for de-escalation of the war stances that the US and Russia have taken. I think of my niece and nephew, playing in my parent’s pool. Swimming and laughing because they don’t have a care in the world. Going to sleep in beds that are in houses on quiet streets. And just as I get to that sweet image, I have flashes of Trey covered in the dust of a bombed out city. Running over rubble, with thundering sounds of bombs and guns. How can I protect him? How can we protect our children, our families from the inescapable judgment the world wishes to unleash on us, for the doings of our government leaders. The nations’ citizens will be judged for the crimes of their leaders.

This terrifies me, for our leaders have a long, bloody atrocious list of crimes.

May peace find you and may you share it with the people you meet.