I recently spent a weekend in New York City with 3 women that I have known for ages and who I admire and respect. A girls weekend for birthday celebrations, for the chance to escape from the everyday, and for the experience of adding to our collective histories. Two of them were sisters that I went to high school with and the other I met 15 years ago in Orlando. A sacred sister from the get go. One of the biggest changes, besides the obvious effect of the years that have passed, was the well known use of Uber. Forget catching a cab, log in and load your destination, and within minutes, some stranger, driving a Camry (they all seemed to drive Camrys) will get you to your destination. The problem with this is that the likelihood of your driver not being able to maneuver around Manhattan in any way besides the little red line on their cell-phone or iPad, are high. You end up being the schmucks in the middle of the intersection for 10 minutes, just because some map app decided that this particular one way street was better than the one previous. Then to arrive at our destination only to realize we could've walked the 3 1/2 blocks in less time than it took to get through the intersection of death.
Our dinner conversations were the second thing that had definitely changed. No laughter over Sex and the City episodes, or tales of long work outs that didn't seem to be giving the buns of steel they promised, or the topic that naturally followed of get skinny quick diets that some celebrity waif was selling in a 30 minute infomercial. The conversations ranged from the epic election that was only a few days away (the general consensus being that our government and the elected officials are more crooked than a game of Twister) to the various different growing pains we individually had struggled through in our recent years; depression, anxiety, divorce, job burnout, family strife, vulnerability, and the growing suspicion that embracing singleness for the blessings it offers was, in fact, the one shift in consciousness that made the milestones of life (or lack thereof) less rigid and overbearing. And those were just mine.
We also talked about children, life without them, futures that could involve them, and the state of childhood today. I recounted my flight into Newark. Sitting next to a woman who had moved to Lexington, from Manhattan, only a year ago. Our conversation was rich with honesty and one truth bomb (for her) she laid on me was that children are over-rated. She talked so lovingly about her two children and her partner, a man also from Manhattan (A side conversation was had about what to call someone you're in a relationship with when you're over the age of 40. Boyfriend being too juvenile, partner leaving the impression of a homosexual relationship, and mate sounding like an Australian drinking buddy). So she and her "man-friend," we jokingly called him, had opted to have children together without the marriage. She offered up explanations regarding her view of having had children. The fact that they are all consuming was a big one. Their basic needs up to and including loving them and feeling no other such emotion is astronomically complex in the emotional realm of life. Neglecting self and partner, for the treasures of your life, takes a portion of your psyche and fills it with guilt and shame for having thoughts that no one dares speak of for fear of being ostracized, or sent to an AA meeting. I applauded her for her honesty and ability to let it speak for itself.
There is more to this than just selfish reasons, in fact none of the reasons really sounded selfish to me. It's not about being unable to make lunch dates with the ladies, or traveling to exotic, lush resorts. It's about having your mind hijacked by fear, worry, stress, self-loathing, bitterness, anger, impatience, and unconditional love. Parenting is all consuming and it's in a world that demands more and more of one's attention, not as a parent, but as a citizen of this planet.
I know mothers who would not change their choice of having children for anything. That being a Mom has been their dream since they were children. It gives them meaning and ultimate happiness. They are women with gracious and generous souls.
I'm just going to say the majority of us in NYC were not in that category.
The world hasn't decided what to make of us. It's funny, thinking about being old without children to take care of me or grandchildren to spoil, used to leave me feeling uneasy. I have only just realized that I might not be in the minority in the future and I imagine my future being very much closer to the Golden Girls, then some grayish-green colored nursing home of loneliness.
No longer crazy old cat ladies or spinsters. I do think all of us have a maternal instinct, of various strengths of course, we are the singles that can mother, or father, the world.
A Metallica song comes to mind- "Wherever we may roam"- indeed, we'll be watching for the opportunities to pass on our values and wisdom. To be a blessing to any child at any time.
Ahh. Life is splendid.
Of course, some things never change. There was laughter, drinks, tears, and photo ops. There was a lost clutch, that had been in my Momma Sophia purse, that had apparently been replaced with an open bottle of Stella Artois. For sure, shenanigans are always called for.
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