Sunday, January 24, 2021

January 24, 2021- looking down the barrel of 45

 I'm looking down the road at turning 45 later this year. Forty-whatyoutalkinboutWillis-five. That's not in dog years either. I have to say I'm not sweating it. Literally, not sweating it because I am not having those crazy hot flashes that I assume could be on the horizon, as my pristine never used uterus and ovaries begin to reign in MENOPAUSE. Which is really kind of a kick in the crotch because if I am honest the last few years have been nothing but men-on-pause. When I decided to move back to my exotic home scape in Southern Indiana, I knew that dating would be a challenge. Wait, there are plenty of guys who would likely take me on a date. So let me rephrase that- finding a man who does not smoke, has a well-paying job, and the capable mental acrobatics that can keep up with my own would be difficult. There are lots of men out there but I require teeth, the absence of facial and/or neck tattoos, and currently single. These are my preferences. Call me judgmental. If I were to tell you my list of ideal qualities- you'd understand how very low my standards have fallen. The caveat to all of this is that I am no longer a prime catch. I am no longer built like a brick-shit house... more of a flabby inflatable jump house, and rarely wear clothing that I couldn't do yoga in (as if I actually did yoga). I'm not trying to date outside of my league by any means. You can imagine my surprise when a dating site hottie matched me and he was 14 years my junior. He wasn't from Nigeria and didn't ask for money and he really just liked older women. Yes please and Thank You. The age difference wasn't the reason we ended things. He ended it I suppose since he was the one who didn't respond to my text messages first. But I didn't throw down any road blocks if you know what I'm sayin. He was a "musician" and lived in his Mom's basement. It was a fun 3 months. Very fun. A LOT of fun. 

Anyway....45. I have decided this isn't my midlife point though. I expect to die at 93. So I have another year and a half before I reach THAT mountain top. It's been a hell of a climb so far. No, I never had children, and that's an unfortunate/blessing from God. The climb has been challenging and I am looking forward to the down hill ease of conversations about bowel movements and retirement villages to tour. I already feel like a senior citizen around my nephew and niece who are far more technologically savvy then I ever want to be. Neither one can brush their teeth above the sink like an appropriate human being. Which oddly makes me feel superior in the technology department. Go Brooke.  

Friday, June 19, 2020

Found this June 19th 2020 in a notebook Happy Father's Day, Dad. I love you..

November 5th- St. Vincent's Hospital, Evansville, IN

I watched Dad's face as the doctor went  over the CT Scan results from the evening before. He had swallowed some dye and then imaging was done to see if there was a hole or a fistula communicating between his esophagus and right lung. Dad finally felt hungry today. He looked forward to eating for the first time since his cancer diagnosis in June. I didn't need to hear what the results were. All I could see was despair on Dad's face. He just stared at the wall. It was a look of pain like I've never seen. All I could say was "I'm sorry Dad". He probably didn't even hear me over the sound of the high flow oxygen he was receiving. He stared off most of the day, or had his eyes shut. I hated that he wouldn't talk to me.

How does a daughter help her father during such a difficult cancer journey? Where is the balance between optimism, guarded hope and harsh reality? Being at his side has been a blessing and a curse I watched him become paralyzed to do anything but exist since his diagnosis. He didn't pull himself up by his bootstraps, start living a healthy life and a new fitness routine as if assuming the stance of a cancer warrior. Rather, he seemed to collapse in on himself, so deep into darkness, that daylight caused him pain.

I watched him lose 20 pounds, then 30 pounds and I feared he would actually starve to death. I called Dr. Poirier to talk some sense into Dad about getting a g-tube. Dad reluctantly agreed. He had all the chemo and radiation and now all that was left was for him to do was to get stronger and put on weight.

His lungs and esophagus were irritated from the radiation, so Dad had copious amounts of sticky thick secretions. He was dehydrated, got pneumonia, and then got c-diff. We began once daily IV antibiotics at home. He had nurses, physical therapists and occupational therapists coming by throughout the week.

He finally admitted he was depressed and yet still refused to talk to anyone or take anything for it. He was failing to thrive and my hands were tied on how much motivation, reprimanding and pleading that I could do. He wouldn't hear any of it. So I loved him. I stopped blaming character flaws for his poor health and I cared for him. He was still Dad and yet he became a man who was dying of cancer. I'm sure  that compassion and empathy are more readily available when all my emotional memories and needs were put away. I'm not saying I only looked at Dad through rose colored glasses. I'm saying I chose to look beyond who he was to me and see him as the person who needs me. I had many moments of anger and frustration at how stubborn he was being, but with the help of God's grace I became tolerant of his, understandably, foul moods and depressed outlook. Eeyore must have had esophageal cancer. I started asking myself who he needed me to be. More often than not, all he needed was his daughter in the corner looking out for him. Mom taught me how to be present without being intrusive when she stayed by my side at the hospital in Indianapolis when I had Dengue Fever.

Today, sometime between the news of the fistula and me leaving the hospital for the night, Dad came to terms with something. I'll probably never know what brought it on, but when I was leaving I told him to "Give 'em hell tonight" and he laughed a real laugh. I love you Dad.

November 11, 2019 IU University Hospital, Indianapolis, IN

It's Veteran's  Day. Because Dad's situation is so complex we asked to be transferred to Indy. This is where his post-chemo and radiation surgery will be if he ever is able to have his esophageal tumor resected. We transferred on Friday night. Today will be a week without any nutrition. I want to list briefly how Dad's course has gone.
After diagnosis, Dad did very little to improve his health to take on chemo and radiation. He actually went through them pretty well. He was weak, but also depressed and didn't do much more than go from the couch to the bed.

December 21, 2019

It's been a month today since Dad died.

Wednesday, April 29, 2020

April 29, 2020: The Truth to live by.

Heavenly Father,
There is such a deafening noise in life that makes it so hard to hear you. I know that you are always there, but I hate how long I can go without connecting to you. Beautiful music that praises your love, grace and mercy tend to make me well up if I have been too long in life and too short in worship. Thank you for this moment that I have with you, and all those before and to follow. You deserve so much more than I have given. You give eternity, and I give mere minutes a day. It is embarrassing how I have disobeyed your commandments while practically looking you in the eye. How ungrateful my heart must be and how utterly profound your love must be. 

I listen for you and expectantly wait for our connection. I know when it is you because you are always strong, and good and right. You make sure that I understand what you mean. These things I have obeyed. In your usual fashion, you fill my life with blessings. The difficult blessings are my badges of honor. I came home when you said to and I battled with myself for the identity that I thought I had to define. I know all to well that those battles are self-inflicted torture. You just want me to be yours. How many times do I need to have you prove that it is your light that feeds me, protects me, loves me and grows me? Not the light of this world, but your light in the world. 

How can I help make things better? The current events filling the world are quite possibly the worst best thing that could have happened. Coronavirus- quarantine, shelter in place, stay home, no work, no gatherings. Just be. It is a place of shadows; this world. The left ear won't believe what the right ear is hearing. Every situation has a side- it's just that the situation isn't one dimensional, but more like a Rubik's Cube. There is an ever increasing demand that there be agreement on all facets of a situation less one be shamed and ridiculed by the Pope, the poet, and the poor man. Living in a time with so much information available irrationally makes us think that our thoughts are the right thoughts and the only possible option. We feed on the news that dresses up our own view point as the Belle of the Ball and be damned if anyone should hint at having more than one Belle at a time. The razor thin line between them and us has gotten so tangled in personal judgments and petty self- promotion, rather than intellectual discourse, that it now looks like barbed wire. Both sides end up a bloody mess. 

I am beginning to understand more about you as The Truth. You never meant for our understanding of your Truth to be engraved in stone, did you? Is it that Truth is what is lived out by loving our neighbor as ourselves? One's behavior, when it is an extension of that love, leads to the greatest experience of truth. Your Truth is giving up our love of ourselves to others so that they are wholly loved by you, through each of us. How did we start believing that truth was all or nothing, black or white, up or down? 

Thank You for this life. IJNIP, Amen.

Sunday, July 14, 2019

July 15, 2019 Love is and love does

What makes love, love? 
Love can be a verb. To love someone seems to imply that one somehow demonstrates their love through miscellaneous acts towards another person. Because I love you I...
                      attempt to make your life easier
                      want to spend time doing everything and nothing with you
                      trust you with my story, my joy and my pain
                      hold you with unconditional positive regard
                      want what you want
                      put your happiness at the top of my priority list                                                          There are a lot of things to "do" to show someone you love them but there is also a long list of things to NOT do when you love someone. Because I love you I will not...
                       break your trust
                       disregard your needs
                       be disrespectful of the things that anger you, scare you, worry you or concern you 
                           about us and our future
                       allow another person to harm you if it is within my power
                       use any weapon against you- physical or emotional
But can love really just be whittled down to a list of do's and don'ts?
Absolutely not. In fact, articulating these behaviors does nothing more than make a list of ingredients that may or may not work for you. 

Love can be a noun. A treasure, an emotion, something elusive, a notion, a feeling of familiarity, a quest and a nightmare. Love is and love does and it might not be love if it isn't both. We must be and do love- any and every kind of love. Romantic love. Familial love. Adoration as love, as with a pet. Unconditional love, as is the love from God. 

So where do we find love?  Is it even something that can be found? My belief is that love is like our five senses. Love, like wind or the scent of a rose garden, is experienced on different levels. We can't see, taste or hear the scent that comes from the rose garden, but we can smell, touch, and feel all that creates that scent. So love can be found anywhere and nowhere. It can be created but not always seen. It can exist without being felt. It can be lost, broken, grieved, and damned. It can be sacrificed for the greater good. It can be destroyed in a flash and created in a breath. 
It must be experienced in order to be created and it must be created in order to exist. Be and do, here and now. You are love and your love does.
                      


 

Tuesday, July 2, 2019

So there I was...: July 3, 2019- too much freedom?

So there I was...: July 3, 2019- too much freedom?: So there I was standing in front of my patient. She was sitting in a chair beside her bed in the Cardiovascular ICU, her thighs being squee...

July 3, 2019- too much freedom?

So there I was standing in front of my patient. She was sitting in a chair beside her bed in the Cardiovascular ICU, her thighs being squeezed in by the pressure of the recliner's arms with bulging hospital gown hiding that the recliner had arms at all. She was in her late 60s, diabetic, and continuing her heart attack right in front of my eyes; it was evolving in medical speak. She was eating Wendy's. A chicken sandwich with mayo and a baked shell of butter and sour cream with a splash of potato for flavor. I was standing there looking from her, to her obese daughter, and then to her older sister. "Why don't you just smack me in the face." I was amazed at the amount of control I had of my voice and words. I was almost certain there would be a four letter word or two coming out considering the complete contempt and disgust that I felt at that moment. Of course her chubby cheeks and double chin sagged in a horrible frown. "You are sitting there eating fast food, in the Cardiovascular ICU, while your heart attack is continuing on until it finishes the damage it is going to do. Just spit on me."

A month earlier:
There was a group of Greek police in riot gear standing in front of the "gate" that led into the Idomeni Refugee Camp in Northern Greece. It had been very hot the last few days. Which was strange for early April. Refugees, volunteers, and civilians all looking at each other to see who might know what was going on. There was a commotion, a buzz of frenzied terror. Standing outside the gate, as I had been on my way into the camp, those of us that were closest to the scene were slowly backing away. It wasn't something I consciously thought about. The panic and yelling coming from the crowd, the crowd that didn't speak English, did not need a translator. Looking back, it reminds me of one of those disaster movie scenes where there is a big ruckus and everyone is frightened and running, but still looking back, trying desperately to understand what was was causing such chaos. People were running in this large pack, like a swarm of bees, towards the outer edge of the camp. If I didn't know that it was an empty cornfield behind them, I would've sworn there was a tidal wave coming. My eyes followed the front of the swarm. Arms waving and voices likely yelling to get out of the way because the crowd parted as the swarm came closer. I anxiously looked ahead of the swarm wondering where they were going or what they were heading towards with such high stakes.  My eyes were darting, taking in as much as possible, what happened, what could it be... there were rocks being thrown at the police, a group of 3 or 4 young men rocked a dumpster, back and forth, back and forth, until it turned over completely. The swarm of refugees appeared to be men mostly, but the women- the crying women were right there with them on the outskirts of the swarm, not wanting to slow it down or get in the way, but running along beside as best they could. I caught a glimpse, the tiniest opening in the swarm at just the right second, and my jaw clenched. My eyes filled because I knew, but yet, didn't know- that a refugee had been hurt, injured in some fatal way. They carried him by his arms and legs, running as fast as they could possibly go in their six legged race. It was the MSF (Medicine Sans Frontiers or Doctors without Borders)  medical tent they were going towards.  Murmurs and translations were jumbled all around me. The sound of sirens in the background made sense now.
The Greek Police had run over a refugee, near the tea tent. Why? How? After the swarm stopped at the medical tent, the rest of us rubberneckers started to spread apart, for the ambulance, and head closer to it, to the tragedy. It felt like a week that the ambulance just sat there but it apparently had picked up very precious cargo and began down the dirt trail toward the road.
He was hanging blankets up to create shade for his family. The hot sun and dusty wind was infuriating. It was hard to escape. His wife and three children had survived their desperate flight from Syria, through Turkey, and onto Greek soil by way of  the "Mafia". The had reached the border of Greece and Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia. It was the path to possible freedom. To family that already lived in western European countries; to Germany that had been accepting all asylum seekers from Syria. They made it through the hardest parts of the their journey to freedom. He had fallen backwards while he hung the blankets, some say he appeared to pass out, probably from the heat they said. He fell onto the ground, directly in front of a Greek Police van. It was said that part of his head had been run over. It was said that he was quickly scooped up and a swarm of refugees took off with him while others began throwing rocks at the police van. Windows shattered and tires were flattened. The cry went out through the camp, "The Greek police just ran over a man!" It wasn't a lie. It also wasn't the whole truth.
As the ambulance left and the crowd ever so slowly dispersed, I went toward the medical tent. The dry, dusty ground had a very large area that appeared to have been watered, as if flowers were expected to pop up. Of course it wasn't water but blood and yes, his skull had been crushed by the tire. The young man, in his 30s, left a young wife with three young children. He died and was to be buried there in the small town near the border. I have thought of the young family he left behind and wondered where they are now or what had become of them. I think of the doctors, nurses and medics that took care of this young refugee fleeing his decimated country where war seemed to continue until even the soil gave in. As of June 2018 34,618 men, women, and children have lost their lives fleeing from war and oppression in Syria. This is just one of them.

My return to the US after almost two weeks in northern Greece was an amalgamation of exhaustion, self-righteous anger, and incredulity. Which is why I found myself in front of my patient, telling her to just spit on me. Did she know, understand or even grasp the monumental gift she had been given? Did she realize how many other possibilities would have left her dead decades ago? If an ICU bed costs $5000/day (that's a low estimate), her outrageously fortunate self was receiving the benefit of top tier healthcare bestowed onto her for $3.47/minute: NO QUESTIONS ASKED. It was on this night, with this patient, that I knew my nursing career in Intensive Care would not be lasting much longer. Medical professionals carry heavy patient loads, working as best they can to ensure that the patient has the greatest possibility for the best possible outcome. Our performance is graded on those outcomes, mine personally and the hospitals' overall. Not one ounce of accountability is required to receive healthcare in this country. Our freedoms "are not so we can do what we want, but to do what we ought" -Jim Caviezel. When it comes to our personal health, to what should we be held accountable?

Tuesday, April 30, 2019

An authentic AH-HA moment for the ages.

There are self-help books, motivational TED talks, therapists, and even fortune cookies that ladle out advice on everything. If you don't have anything wrong with you, go to the self-help aisle in a bookstore and be quickly corrected. Apparently some of us can't even get sleep right. I have no qualms sharing the subjects of some of the many, many self-help books I've read in my life. Most are the everyday stuff like weight loss, diet and exercise, happiness, healing, alcohol abuse, finances, what religion I most closely identify with (apparently it was Hindu at the time) how to be a better Christian, restoring energy, depression, suicide, even finding my own north star. Truthfully, it's mostly pop psychology or a current fad like The South Beach diet, now more detailed and called Paleo. And Oprah has been the author of more than one of the books I've read.

Ugh- it's exhausting. Literally.

I'm going to guess that I'm not the only person who has felt like a failure about a week after finishing one of these types of books. I can never seem to get a hang of the very simple 937 steps it would take to lose weight, eat an anti-inflammatory diet, or get to my North Star with my "Untethered Soul" and it has really started to get on my nerves.

Am I right? These things aren't rocket science. It's not complicated to understand the "calories in -calories out" math. I've set goals for setting goals, that's how much of a perfectionist I have been. I've also sat with myself and given myself some grace that I may not be able to win everyone as a friend or influence anyone. Truth be told, I would settle for being nice enough to myself to be considered my own friend, and then maybe I would actually be able to influence my own behavior in positive and lasting ways.

Brene Brown has been my favorite hero now for five years or so. Daring Greatly profoundly changed my relationship with the rest of the world. Rising Strong as a Spiritual Practice opened the window I needed to stop apologizing for all the ways I was too much, or not enough for other people. I have learned a thing or two through all of this, but it was today that I finally had that real AH- HA moment that has been so elusive.

James Clear wrote the book Atomic Habits and I've only started listening to it today on my walk. It will apparently give instructions on how to create habits that can change your life. I will briefly explain his reasoning- We do not reach a goal because one day we have done enough of this or that and it just happened. I've set a million goals, and setting that goal, whether s.m.a.r.t. or not, didn't help me achieve it. Don't we all want to lose weight and get in shape? The crux of my ah-ha moment is that in our lives we make tiny, insignificant decisions, changes in 1% of our everyday lives according to the author. These decisions, at the moment, are harmless. But when today's decision is repeated tomorrow, and the next day, it doesn't take long for a habit to form- good or bad. For me, depressive thinking became a habit. It was years of accumulating decisions in my behaviors and thought patterns that ultimately allowed me to become incapacitated by my own mind. A few months ago I described doing sit ups while going through some bizarre overwhelming sadness that came on out of the blue. The sit ups got rid of the overwhelming sadness. It was my DECISION, that 1%, to just do SOMETHING besides sitting tearful on the couch that likely changed the trajectory of my life. According to Clear, it is not the goal that matters, it is the systems we use in life that need adjusted 1% everyday that will facilitate the goal becoming a reality. Have you ever tried to stop drinking soda or smoking, just to be frustrated and cranky? It's because the systems in our lives weren't adjusted to succeed. For example, I'm fairly excited to say that I haven't had Dr. Pepper in my refrigerator for months. Although I will still drink one if I go out. But, I started ordering sweet tea, and now I order half and half tea. The system that shapes my Dr. Pepper habit is slowly being changed. Maybe you get in the car and you are used to lighting a cigarette right at the beginning. That is a system at work that you can influence, 1% at a time.
I've stopped having the inner dialogue that what I cook won't turn out right and I'll wish I had eaten out instead. I allow myself only 10 minutes of snoozing, and then 5 minutes of looking at the notifications on my phone for the last "snooze session" and when the alarm rings for the final time, I'm up and out of bed. I think this notion of 1% at a time will be very powerful for me when it comes to my self-talk. If my mind starts nagging, whining, berating, calling names or anything else, I'm just going to stop, say a quick thank you to God, and get on with life. I don't need to mull over every negative detail that shows up, sticks out, or demands attention. Which reminds me of something we did in Bali during the women's retreat, and that was to put the bitch in the box. That haughty, mean spirited, troll of a voice that can ruin a perfectly good piece of pie, or marriage, or life.
Ah, yes.... things are already in motion that in a month, a year, a decade from now- will transform how I approach the art of life. This is very, very good. A