I have a cat that purrs so loud I kinda wonder if she's on speed.
I have 2 cats from the humane society in Phoenix, Az. They are sisters. My former step-children picked them out. I miss them- the step-children that is. I loved them being in my life.
Life is not always a smooth, logical chain of breaths. It is majestic in so many ways. To glimpse a memory that comes full circle- the face that I loved so much. Man, it's hard to think about. Damn.
He was so much to me. He really had my whole heart. I was all in and I was all in knowing that it was just shy of a good idea to be so. Nobody that knows me well wants to hear this story. They know the darkest sides of it. The broken, jagged edges, are difficult to work around.
He was a great singer. I remember the first time he sang softly in my ear. His voice and his arms were perfect. We laughed a lot. We loved a lot and fought a lot. It wasn't fighting about suspicions, jealousy, money. It was because of the hurting of a disappointed heart,
To look back now, I want to say that every disappointment, every time I fell short, were causes of justifiable pain and heartache. I felt that way at the time. I felt crushed that my words, actions, inactions, or even slight assumptions were such painful weapons. I never meant to be so careless with his heart.
The only problem was that I wasn't any of those things. I loved the only way I knew how and that means it didn't fall short and he received that love the only way he knew how, no matter his manipulation of it all.
Are we all destined to be so wounded? To see judgment when we are loved? To refuse truth when it is given to us? To believe not just the bad things thought over our souls but the good things too?
As time continues on, etching a river through my soul- I am faced with my historical past and my present heart. My greatest first love- enduring the untimely and unexpected death of his brother, has opened the space where I've kept him the last 25 years. Trying to dismiss any responsibility that I could've ever possibly had for bringing pain into his life, because my leaving was supposed to prevent that any further, I feel at a loss. Maybe no one will believe me when I say that he was everything to me then.
I felt it was the only way it could be. It wasn't the age difference. I found nothing wrong in him or who he was to me. What came into focus for me was that this beautiful soul deserved a strong and unwavering foundation from which the dreams of life could burst through. I would surely be the last person to provide that. I thought of the family we might have had. I thought of the inevitable failures I would make him endure and those potential disappointments corrupted my heart. I would surely destroy him and facing that possibility I became resolute to never do such a thing to this man. Maybe in self-preservation or some other coping mechanism, I would see the forest for the trees and the outlines of life wouldn't be so fuzzy.
From my first love to my last marriage I can now see such an obvious common thread. Not sure how I never saw it before. Or maybe I have seen it and just stopped noticing it. Like wearing a watch. Maybe you see it from these few words, maybe you don't- it's there- like background noise that goes unnoticed.
It's a core belief. You have them about yourself; various ideas that have literally built your personality and the very way you interact with the world and people around you. When, where, why and how your personal core beliefs came into being is extremely person specific.
So what core belief have I been operating from in every relationship in my life so far? responsibility of disappointment
I have loved and left for fear of being disappointed, as well as for the fear of being a disappointment. All the while holding firmly onto being the sole person responsible for being disappointed or for disappointing. Not a disappointment on the scale of a rainy day during your vacation, but disappointment on a far more tragic level. I have held the belief that I had to be lovable. BE. To be, to experience being- it presumes a state different then what "not being" is. If I could be, then ultimately I could not be as well.
Common thread might be the wrong word. Maybe more like barbed wire.
How much we learn in all these things. Such is life. We are the walking wounded which is a great testament to who we all are. The spectrum of the human experience leaves nothing untouched. We are capable of such tremendous thought and emotion. Colors of a sunset, the night sky at my parents house, the taste of creme brulee, laugh lines, love letters, silliness with children, having the opportunity to be there for a friend in need, the searing torture of being betrayed, hopelessness, and emptiness- a list of miracles for any heart that has life streaming through it. Miracles of movement, set in motion by chance. How can that possibly be? How could something as powerful as love be created out of thin air? In what part of the Big Bang did butterflies in our stomachs come from? Where in our universe did the gaping void of loss generate its ability to strengthen one's soul? If humanity has bloomed up out of accidental algae, tell me then how a soul can know it's own existence? Tell me how an explosion can eventually lead to something being a disappointment? It's exquisite. This life we have been blessed to live. Truly exquisite.
I have 2 cats from the humane society in Phoenix, Az. They are sisters. My former step-children picked them out. I miss them- the step-children that is. I loved them being in my life.
Life is not always a smooth, logical chain of breaths. It is majestic in so many ways. To glimpse a memory that comes full circle- the face that I loved so much. Man, it's hard to think about. Damn.
He was so much to me. He really had my whole heart. I was all in and I was all in knowing that it was just shy of a good idea to be so. Nobody that knows me well wants to hear this story. They know the darkest sides of it. The broken, jagged edges, are difficult to work around.
He was a great singer. I remember the first time he sang softly in my ear. His voice and his arms were perfect. We laughed a lot. We loved a lot and fought a lot. It wasn't fighting about suspicions, jealousy, money. It was because of the hurting of a disappointed heart,
To look back now, I want to say that every disappointment, every time I fell short, were causes of justifiable pain and heartache. I felt that way at the time. I felt crushed that my words, actions, inactions, or even slight assumptions were such painful weapons. I never meant to be so careless with his heart.
The only problem was that I wasn't any of those things. I loved the only way I knew how and that means it didn't fall short and he received that love the only way he knew how, no matter his manipulation of it all.
Are we all destined to be so wounded? To see judgment when we are loved? To refuse truth when it is given to us? To believe not just the bad things thought over our souls but the good things too?
As time continues on, etching a river through my soul- I am faced with my historical past and my present heart. My greatest first love- enduring the untimely and unexpected death of his brother, has opened the space where I've kept him the last 25 years. Trying to dismiss any responsibility that I could've ever possibly had for bringing pain into his life, because my leaving was supposed to prevent that any further, I feel at a loss. Maybe no one will believe me when I say that he was everything to me then.
I felt it was the only way it could be. It wasn't the age difference. I found nothing wrong in him or who he was to me. What came into focus for me was that this beautiful soul deserved a strong and unwavering foundation from which the dreams of life could burst through. I would surely be the last person to provide that. I thought of the family we might have had. I thought of the inevitable failures I would make him endure and those potential disappointments corrupted my heart. I would surely destroy him and facing that possibility I became resolute to never do such a thing to this man. Maybe in self-preservation or some other coping mechanism, I would see the forest for the trees and the outlines of life wouldn't be so fuzzy.
From my first love to my last marriage I can now see such an obvious common thread. Not sure how I never saw it before. Or maybe I have seen it and just stopped noticing it. Like wearing a watch. Maybe you see it from these few words, maybe you don't- it's there- like background noise that goes unnoticed.
It's a core belief. You have them about yourself; various ideas that have literally built your personality and the very way you interact with the world and people around you. When, where, why and how your personal core beliefs came into being is extremely person specific.
So what core belief have I been operating from in every relationship in my life so far? responsibility of disappointment
I have loved and left for fear of being disappointed, as well as for the fear of being a disappointment. All the while holding firmly onto being the sole person responsible for being disappointed or for disappointing. Not a disappointment on the scale of a rainy day during your vacation, but disappointment on a far more tragic level. I have held the belief that I had to be lovable. BE. To be, to experience being- it presumes a state different then what "not being" is. If I could be, then ultimately I could not be as well.
Common thread might be the wrong word. Maybe more like barbed wire.
How much we learn in all these things. Such is life. We are the walking wounded which is a great testament to who we all are. The spectrum of the human experience leaves nothing untouched. We are capable of such tremendous thought and emotion. Colors of a sunset, the night sky at my parents house, the taste of creme brulee, laugh lines, love letters, silliness with children, having the opportunity to be there for a friend in need, the searing torture of being betrayed, hopelessness, and emptiness- a list of miracles for any heart that has life streaming through it. Miracles of movement, set in motion by chance. How can that possibly be? How could something as powerful as love be created out of thin air? In what part of the Big Bang did butterflies in our stomachs come from? Where in our universe did the gaping void of loss generate its ability to strengthen one's soul? If humanity has bloomed up out of accidental algae, tell me then how a soul can know it's own existence? Tell me how an explosion can eventually lead to something being a disappointment? It's exquisite. This life we have been blessed to live. Truly exquisite.
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