I have had the unusual pleasure of getting to know an attractive man, very well traveled, with a beautiful girlfriend, who has such an interesting take on life that I walked for hours today thinking about it. He has opted to not believe in love and marriage, or raising a family, but instead has chosen to, simply put, be happy. At first blush, one might say..no shit Sherlock, but the reality is far more exciting to me. How does one "be happy"? He defines it as fulfilled, not needing anything. He has apparently thought about this, and has enough self awareness to know that those are his terms and they suit him perfectly. His path in life has helped shape his experience of happiness and fulfillment and I think that just contemplating a happy life long enough to come up with your own definition is pretty remarkable this day and age.
Happy. It's such a peppy word. On a biological level, happiness shows up in the song that I hum, the smile I wear...But how do I get there...is it the presence of something, the absence of something? A freaking double shot of espresso caffeine high?
I know for me, happiness is a feeling of relaxation in my own skin, my own being. Opting to aim for healthy and happy instead of a number on a scale or dress size, has literally taken one incredibly, loud and nagging bitch in my head and stuffed a sock in her mouth. She was incessant. She was obnoxious and she always managed to kill my confidence. The absence of overly critical, unrealistic self judgment has helped me be happy.
I like to listen to music and get lost in my thoughts. Both activities send me to millions of different places, memories, daydreams, and neither activity is ever the same, no matter how many times I've done it. Allowing myself time to reminisce, delve into difficult and thought provoking issues, to daydream various love stories, war stories, and future possibilities are absolutely among my favorite things to do. I guess that if you had to ask me what hobbies I have, I wouldn't be lying by answering "Thinking".
I have no need for anything. My want list is of course a mile long. I have the means to meet every physical, mental, emotional, blah blah blah need and I'm certain that is a huge blessing. A roof, food, running water...the basics and then some. So the absence of stress regarding fundamental needs helps me to be happy.
Nowhere in this list does my happiness depend on someone else. More often than not, someone else's presence may even be a source of "less than happy" or even unhappiness. I try to minimize that as much as possible, which tends to look like me being short tempered and uncompromising. If my two failed marriages have taught me anything, in my life, a husband is unnecessary. So I would agree with him on that, marriage is not required for happiness.
Ahhh... But Love.
To not believe in love, well, I can't even fathom it.
Happiness is, in its purest form, the love of something.
I will always believe in love. The good, bad, and tragedy of it all. I will not shy away from injustice, inequality or unfairness, all things common with love. Let them come and embrace me. May I feel each pang of anger, each stabbing hurt- and then, I will know who I am.
I'm very open about how I arrived at this moment. Knowing me, reading my Blog, or maybe even sharing in the very sacred parts of my life- you know that I laugh easily and don't take myself too seriously (anymore). I enjoy being a Nurse, an Aunt, a friend, a dog owner, and a sarcastic and witty (albeit bitingly so sometimes) writer. I am tongue in cheek and the deepest of thoughts and I did not arrive here gracefully, and for that I am very grateful.
In the midst of my suicidal days, all those days back, I remember pleading to just stop the feeling of torment. Breathing, crying and praying for death- wearing a fractured soul, having no life in me, but living all the same- those moments gave me bliss. Without that path, I cringe to think how lacking my life would be now. It took being completely shattered to open space up for happiness (not new car happiness, or winning the lottery happiness- although I would be willing to test that theory- those are just fleeting, mortal moments)...but inevitably, being surrounded by the broken and the bandaged, the lowest of us low souls, I was blessed with happiness in ways it would take me years to understand. Without that mental break, I would not have been able to experience the enormous range of joy possible. I did not learn humility by winning every game. I did not learn humor without experiencing sorrow.
I did not learn who I was until I was lost from myself and I would never have known great love until I went all in and ended up losing at it.
So, I do not want a painless life or to learn how to avoid hardships completely. I will not be afraid of a broken heart, or living a childless life, because in the middle of all that living, I will know bliss.
Yours,
Brooke
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