So there I was- 15 years ago- standing in a tiny chapel at Treasure Island in Las Vegas marrying a young man that I adored but pretty much knew "I do" was the wrong answer. I've spent the last 15 years trying to avoid this same mistake but as those who know me well know it can take time to convince myself that I do actually know what I am talking about from time to time. I married the second guy in the same city but different chapel- at the Monte Carlo. I know what you are thinking..."Are you karate kidding me! You got married twice in Vegas!!!" Or maybe even more pathetic- "You've been married twice!" Yep..I'm an equal opportunity divorcee. I wasn't living in Las Vegas at either point in my matrimonial vow taking..but I find myself here now. Wanting to stay but wanting to go all at the same time. The dating scene is quite like a freak parade. One look through any of my online dating accounts (yes, I have many!) at the various men who have "winked" "flirted" or just come out and asked if I wanted to "wrestle" would scare anyone off. I've just had an epiphany. Maybe online is not the place to meet good. eligible, non-Velcro wallet carrying guys. Well..I actually did realize that this summer and enlisted the oh so NOT helpful matchmaking service of eLove. I eLoathe my matchmaker. I want to stab her beady little eyes out. LOL..not that I've ever seen her eyes. But if she keeps referring these men to me that she says "I can't assume you wouldn't find him attractive"- well that statement speaks for itself. Heads will roll.
Yes.. I said karate kidding.( snort, giggle.. and I think I'M A GREAT CATCH! That's even funnier!)
I need a whole new perspective on this whole single late 30's woman. ohhh....not late..MID 30's. Yes.. that's better. A mid 30's woman with so much going for her- and who am I kidding. Most of the time a night at home blogging is 100 times more satisfying than dating. I have to say a night at home reading, picking the toe jam out of my big toenails (you gotta get that nasty funk out of there- it ain't healthy!), or sleeping has been more satisfying than most the dates I've been on- EVER. Except the one date where we had the Arcade Olympics and he won but was sweating like a beast after word...because apparently he was NOT going to lose to a girl! That was a fun date.
I was hoping that the date that I met in Baggage Claim at McCarren Airport would have been a huge success because I loved the uniqueness of our meeting location (totally my idea). He said it was zany. I should've known right then I wasn't going to be swept off my flip flops. Didn't Beaver Cleaver say zany. Or some other non-sexy person. The too short tie died t-shirt sealed the deal for me. He really was that super nice guy too..but that is also the problem. You can't be boy scouting all over me- makes me itch in my pants. I don't want a boy or even a guy. I want a man. And if I'm the manliest of the two of us..that is a MAJOR problem. Yes, I know I rewired a light and changed my own windshield wipers this summer..but really, if those little forays into anything resembling Tim the tool man Taylor are more than you've ever even contemplated, then adios nancy pants, come back when you can change my oil!
WHAT? Too picky?
Me? You bet your sweet nancy pants I am.
Dear Online Dating Dude-
No, I do not accept your chat request because I feel that the lack of self realization that allowed you to post that topless picture of you in the bathroom mirror (take number 126) is an obvious indication of how incredibly dense you are. And no I don't care how long anything is on your body whether it's 3 or 8 inches.. and on that same note, I would like to say your Hulk Hogan look alike winner trophy was glaring too much for me to really appreciate how NOT 43 years old you are. I hear Jerry Springer is looking for people to fill his studio audience, maybe you could meet your beloved there.
Yours, in as much respect as I can muster,
Brooke -not with a ten foot pole or a million dollars or if we were the last two living things on this planet- you haven't gotten the point yet, I'm politely trying to say- go fuck yourself- Albertson.
This blog brought many things to mind. I think all of us 30 something women feel a little..um...odd...about being single because according to society it's just not what we're supposed to be doing with our lives at this point in time. So I feel your pain. But there is another part of me thinking at least you've been married and twice! Lmao! I have to admit that there is a part of me that feels like a freak for not even being close (well i was pretty close once) and it's been years since I even had a serious relationship! Ugh...but we are single and fabulous and we have our FREEDOM! We need to keep reminding ourselves of that. And I have no doubt that Mr. Right is out there somewhere. Just don't marry him in Vegas this time! And you should be picky, both of us should! We ARE good catches. Most men are just too stupid to realize that. I truly believe that. In the epic words of Journey, don't stop believing!
ReplyDelete