So there I was lying on the floor of a suite at Red Rock Hotel and Casino, with a large, flesh toned penis suction cupped to my forehead. Keepin it classy obviously, but let me get to the point. At what age does this type of nonsense become..."frowned upon" or even ridiculed by those younger than myself? Are Bachelorette parties after the age of 35 supposed to be more tame? In my expert opinion, and of course I have one, the older the attendees of the party, the crazier it is likely to become. Not in the..let's do a line of coke in the bathroom and party until 6 am three days from now..but less inhibited and more um...alcoholic in nature. Older women have a lot more stress they need to drink away! Let's compare a bachelorette party of a 25 year old and a 35 year old.
25 year old- has all her high school and college girlfriends attend and inevitably one if not all of them get snarky about the groom to be, old feuds, stolen boyfriends, ruined clothes, and the tacky/cheap/fill in the blank engagement ring.
35 year old- has her close friends (possibly those that helped her survive her divorce) her co-workers that she enjoys hanging out with and inevitably women that never knew each other start doing shots to salute their bride to be for finding a man that has a stable job, does his share of the household chores, doesn't have a huge beer gut, and realizes why AXE body spray is NOT his scent.
A 25 year old- will likely hold her party at a somewhat local venue, whether it be a club, a bar, someones "nice" house that has a pool, or a nice hotel where 8 girls sleep in a room made for 4. They go out for a group dinner at the Olive Garden, and chug drinks during happy hour (a bucket of beer for $10! SOLD!)
A 35 year old- might grab a plane to Vegas (unless you live there!) or South Beach and live the weekend in style in a hotel room (if not a suite) with no more than 4 women, and even then..it's usually less. There's always a pre-party where shenanigans ensue (before the VIP table is available) and these shenanigans will vary depending on the particular group involved. Will dine on amazing food, drink whatever they fancy at any time, and when the group decides which latest hot spot they will pounce on, they get there in style via a limousine.
A 25 year old- will wear something completely slutty likely bought from Charlotte Russe and be decorated from head to toe in the awful bachelorette/penis/ cardboard tiara..and will make all of her lemmings wear atrocious pink and white buttons that say "I'm with the Bride" to prove they are in fact with her.
A 35 year old- will buy a $300 dress and shoes and look amazing while donning only one piece of bachelorette/penis nonsense just for the sake of argument. If she chooses to wear a tiara..it will not be cardboard. Her entourage will look equally gorgeous and relaxed as they aren't worried that they only have $20 left and it's only 10:30.
The one common theme for both bachelorette parties is that there will be men who swarm around- usually- it's the weird creepy dudes that are in their late 40's and have Velcro wallets.
Strippers- they are no different for either group. Generally not worth the money, and really, once you've seen one pelvic thrust you've seen them all..usually makes for good blackmail photos though.
In the end- there is nothing that I've encountered so far that hasn't gotten better with age. Even if I might be carrying 10 pounds more at 35 then I did at 25, or have to be religious about covering the gray hairs that are showing up, I can honestly say I wouldn't go back. I feel a sense of pride and pity for the young 20 something brides, knowing that I was once one of them and knowing too, that it's a much harder road than any of them are expecting. I try, very hard I might add, to imagine those young brides living happily ever after. I always give a very heartfelt "Good luck to you"..but you will hardly ever hear me say "Congratulations". It is a rite of passage that often times is an emotional tsunami and no matter what- life will never be as simple as it was before.
But who am I to say..I'm a 36 year old double divorcee with a dog and two cats! and that suction cup penis is the closest thing I've had as a prospect in a long while! Holy cannoli...the next time I get married I'm going cheap and trashy (the wedding, not the man- fingers crossed)!
The moral of the story is this- something my sister has said to me a time or two.."Do whatever makes you feel like a Rock Star!"
Dear Mother Mary,
I want to thank you for ruining my sense of purity with your whole Immaculate Conception - why didn't you just fess up and tell it like it was..someone slipped you a micky and boom 9 months later you had a baby boy... oh..wait..that'll be the story I go with if I ever get knocked up. Either way..there's no comparing to you.
Keeping it Classy, your faithful servant, Brooke aka Dickhead Albertson
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