September 21, 2011

So there I was....trying on this...the only word that comes to mind is Psychedelic...trying on this Psychedelic Dress at Macy's. The only real reason I wanted to try it on was because I thought it would look great with my knee high black boots. I put it on and to be honest the mood was sour from the get go because I had to see myself in THAT lighting in just my grandma undergarments. Again..apologize for the traumatic visual. So I pull this dress over my head and I'm surprised that it's actually pretty cute..kind of retro (do not read vintage). I twirl, bend..and yes I added a snap at the end because I was beginning to channel Reese Witherspoon apparently. The true test to any piece of fashion in my wardrobe is the sit test..and I loathe dressing rooms that don't have at least a small slice of sitting apparatus in them. I grab a seat on some laminate and OHMYGOD.. all that comes to mind is that there's obviously another event that can be called "The Thunder from Down Under"..and No..my ass did not explode literally..the seat was apparently calling out to God to please save it from the torture of my body weight on it. It did TOTALLY sound as if I was over taken by a giant gaseous cloud requiring release at that exact moment and apparently the young girl a few dressing rooms down could not contain her laughter. At this juncture I sniff.. I don't really know why... habit. Maybe some disgusting reflex. oh shut up..and thankfully..there was not an odor to be found, so I was glad that I would only be associated with a sound and not a smell..shut up Kelly...So seeing how I jumped up immediately after the explosion I didn't get a true sit test for this cute retro dress but decided to hurry the hell up and get out of there so that no one would know it was me who may or may not have totally ripped one in the dressing room. And of course when I walk out with my sweet retro Friday night outfit I come face to face with the "giggler". So I was totally busted for something I didn't even do. And really who wants to explain that whole "sit test" fiasco to some late teen stick figure who probably looks great in dressing room lighting and gross three way mirrors. Bitch.

Dear God- you're humor does not impress me. Nope. Not at all. Go pick on someone your own size. Your faithful servant, FartyMcfartypants