April 22, 2014

I had the thought a few weeks ago about "doing something religiously"..I don't have any habits that I can put my finger on. I don't count a morning Dr. Pepper or my preference for Captain and Coke as something I do religiously, because let's face it, those are just evidence of sound decision making..
The very thought though, had me watching my own daily patterns, and low and behold...I found something!! Now, it can't be called a habit because in all actuality- habits and neuroses are two different things. There I was, looking into my bathroom mirror, with my face less than 6 inches from that aging old hag in the reflection and I was taking stock of all the hair covering my face..sure... MOST of it is just the soft, practically invisible peach fuzz stuff that only I can see when I'm religiously looking at it (see what I did there!) and of course there are those random, dark and nasty looking hairs that appear on my chin from time to time to remind me of why I need to be looking so closely in the first place. It is just shocking though how MUCH of that baby fine, translucent hair there is..I'm like a marvel of nature, the first ever albino Sasquatch! I have half a mind to take my mascara wand to my face to prove to you non-believers that it's true- hell my mustache would make Tom Selleck jealous and I can't have that hanging over my head.."Indiana Albino Sasquatch drives Tom Selleck to question his manhood"...There could be someone's life at stake. We can't have that.
I'll just say a fervent thank you to the powers that be that it's remaining invisible to the almost naked eye. If you start staring at my face the next time I see you I might feel the need to jab you in the throat. Consider yourself warned.
Besides my impending journey into full facial waxing, I've also been picking up on a few other things lately..for instance..my two cats who are usually just non-thought provoking, movable furniture pieces, that frequently hog the bed, bark at me if there's no water, or instigate an allergic reaction--- have actually been interesting to study. The ugly cat, (they're sisters) likes to throw herself down in front of Beetle and roll on the carpet. The pretty one (she's cute, but I get the feeling she's not all that bright) tends to stare off at the ceiling and watch an invisible butterfly or something..maybe the spirit of the old man that used to live here, but I digress...what really got my attention the other night was that the two of them were sitting on the floor right next to each other, apparently studying something..I walked into the bedroom, they looked up at me, then back down and I happened to ask what they were looking at (yes I talk to my cats), well they both disperse as if I was coming at them with a flame thrower..and sweet 8 pound baby Jesus they had cornered the world's largest spider (that's only a slight exaggeration)! Aren't they supposed to kill insects and small rodents..or rodent sized insects?? The rat sized arachnid goes scurrying under my bed and now I've got to figure out how to UNSEE that whole mess so that I might be able to sleep at night! You know damn well I didn't get on my hands and knees and look under my bed..who do you think I am, some bimbo in a horror movie? Nope.. not looking under there, like ever. I had to just shake it off...rub some dirt in it..drink some water..I held very tightly to my belief that I was not cruel to animals, ever, and that's why I opted to live in harmony with all creatures. Even ridiculously large arachnids. Oh shut up, what would you have done? The closest thing I had at my disposal would have been a flip flop and what? should I have thrown it under the bed at the spider? That'll show 'em. There was only once that particular night that I jumped out of my skin thinking the spider was crawling on me, but it wasn't...it was just my fluffy facial hair blowing in the breeze.

Dear 8 pound baby Jesus,
First, I want to congratulate you on making such beautiful creatures, big and small. I am sure they are all loved equally in your eyes. I know that the circle of life is really about survival of the fittest, a food chain if you will..but for all that is holy and pure please, please instill into my domesticated house cats a ferocious, take no prisoners stance on hunting insects and rodents, and rodent sized insects. May they not pester and play with those that they hunt but pounce on them and kill them dead, quickly and swiftly and if you feel so inclined, maybe teach them how to put the dead carcasses into the trash.
Your faithful servant-
Brooke-world's-first-documented-albino-Sasquatch- Albertson