June 29,2015- stop being a baby

There are times in my life that I have been tactless, rude, egotistical, arrogant, spiteful, brash and let's be honest- a bitch. I look back and think of these times and I see me as someone who was hell bent on being strong and independent. Being self-sufficient was difficult at times. A lot of times. I'm not sure when it happened, but I forgot how to ask for help. In December, I remember a night that was particularly painful and Mom came in and saw me crying. My first instinct was to bottle it up, dry my tears so she wouldn't worry and then I wouldn't be seen as...weak, broken, vulnerable. My therapist's voice ran through my mind "Being vulnerable around the people closest to you gives them the chance to actively show you that they love you." So I sobbed and let her dry my tears and I let her make it better. 

One very blatant thing stands out to me these days---what if I had been a guy? Men don't cry. We've all heard it.

Well, I think there's a problem with that. My nephew Trey is 4 years old. Like all busy, running boys he gets bumps and bruises and tends to ask if it's bleeding! Which apparently means death will soon follow. A little boy being a little child. He has the right to cry, to be scared, to have hurt feelings, and get confused by the emotions he may be having at any given moment. So- when is it that it becomes unacceptable? I felt all those emotions this month and it's socially acceptable, for me, a grown woman to breakdown.

But for boys, it's a double standard.You hear phrases like:

 -stop being a baby 

-don't be a sissy

-he needs to toughen up

-he's a cry baby

-and the one I HATE the most is when I hear someone say "he's going to end up gay." The ignorance and sheer absurdity of that statement makes me want to spit nails. 

Exhale. Unclench teeth. 

Trying to move away from anger, although anger seems absolutely acceptable for SOOO many reasons, I begin to feel saddened. If I had been Michael instead of Brooke, I'm certain I would be dead now. My depression would have been socially unacceptable, and since the other side of the coin of depression is anger, I would have been eaten alive by vicious, deadly bullying by my own brain. Why aren't more people talking about this? How many innocent people will die before it clicks with the powers that be?

Nine people killed, in a church, by a kid. I know, I know-he isn't really a kid..but when you look back at your 21 year old self, do you see yourself as a responsible upstanding citizen? Or someone just making a life for themselves; trying to discover the minutia of their uniqueness? 

So, yes, I say he was a kid. 

The blanket rationale for such a heinous act is that he is "mentally disturbed" with a history of a psychiatric disorder. 

That's it? That's as far as you think it goes? What moment in time, in this kid's life, did he become so broken? Boys being forced to be "men" because any sign of being less than that is unacceptable by ...by who? Parents? Friends? Teachers? Television? Bullies? Who makes it stop? I think it's time we do.

Our jails are full of kids, kids locked inside the adult minds of rapists, murderers, thieves- what age does the psyche of boys shatter under the pressures of trying to be stronger than they know how to be, fearless in fearful situations, and ashamed of the inner anguish they must go through when their natural desire is to be comforted, accepted and loved, no matter what. 

Do you want to end hate, racism, oppression, and violence in this country? Allow your boys to be vulnerable, and love and comfort them so they don't feel alone. Teach them with kindness and acceptance, not unreachable expectations. Let them have a childhood. Let them play with legos and dinosaurs until whatever age they want to stop playing with them and by all means encourage creativity. Jump, play, dance and laugh with your sons, nephews, and next door neighbors. Be vulnerable too. Show them that life can be really tough sometimes and teach them grace by allowing them to love you.