March 15, 2014

So there I was, feet in stirrups, Gynecologist looking over the shoulder of a tall, lanky medical student named Chip or Scooter or something else very "argyle" like, who happened to be all up in my lady business. Let's just put it this way, "Biff" wasn't the first man to get lost in those parts! NO no no..my woman-ness isn't some cavernous vault to go spelunking in.. but it's such an odd thing and I'm here to discuss this taboo subject. (Sorry Mom!) Was it Charlotte on Sex in the City that had never taken a look in the mirror at her nether-region-?? and she finally did and it of course wasn't the scary, awful place that she expected. I don't really remember the first time I dared to look. I do remember the first time I used a tampon and I walked around for two hours with the cardboard applicator still in, horrified at how it felt, and worried sick I would have to sit down (but still secretly pleased that I became 'a woman' before my older sister!). Did anyone else look at the silly instructions where the drawn figure has her leg on a toilet seat? What is this toilet bowl twister? Pitiful. I did have to go back and read the instructions thoroughly so I finally did get it right.. man, you would think that I learned this lesson all too well from this one experience, but NO...I'll try and put the damn bookcase, laundry rolling cart, or any other put it together yourself torture device without reading the instructions.. yes. I might have a drawer with miscellaneous unused pieces. yikes.

Anyway..off topic..redirect, REDIRECT!

I was painfully shy when it came to my body. I remember hearing how some high schools made the kids shower after PE.. I would rather have died than be seen, you know, naked, by anyone! Even changing was embarrassing, hell just peeing in a bathroom where others could hear was hard enough!! I remember we teased a girl on our high school volleyball and basketball team because she was also very shy...but I was right there with her. God Bless you S.S. :-) well S.C. now.

Losing my virginity was, in my memory, kind of like the final piece to a jigsaw puzzle. It wasn't a huge deal, it wasn't NOT important, but looking back I think I was unimpressed about all the hoopla surrounding it. Like that one GREAT MOVIE everyone talks about...and after you see it, you kind of scratch your head and say, ok then..now what? Again, I didn't have a clue what being a woman meant, or even what being intimate could really mean. And Pleasure? please...no freaking clue. How would I know? My baby maker was a source of embarrassment and fear. Don't touch it, you might lose your hand!

I learned a lot about sexuality from Sex and the City. Believe it or not, it was "The Rabbit" that introduced me to pleasure. Who knew! The buzz on the street was that I wasn't the only one enjoying the battery operated boyfriend. I was such a prude too... shut up, I was! I remember the horrifying experience of  bacterial vaginosis. Or like I prefer to call it..hot trash in the hoo ha from a hot tub. The foulest, most sickening smell ever AND it was coming from ssshhh down there. For the love of God and all that was holy I could not keep my legs together tight enough without smelling it and there was no amount of scrubbing and cleaning to make it go away. So that little gem of an experience made me paranoid about what I smelled like! How was sex ever going to be enjoyable with all these issues! (antibiotics cleared it up, fyi). And wait.. oral sex? Now I have to worry about the taste? For Heaven's Sake someone just shoot me. In my personal opinion, you could remove my entire torso and I would live happily ever after. It's too much pressure!!! Now

I haven't had children, or any sort of shape altering experience in my genital area, but if I had ever had kids and people were gonna be focused on that particular part of my body, and afterwords it might not "snap back" to the way it was before...just forget about it. Where's the convent? sign me up, they drink wine right?

I'm happy to say I'm a somewhat reformed prude. I have had some men in my life who have pretty much forced me to see the beauty in my body, and taught me to relax with my clothes off. I still don't get it, or see it as "a turn on, or sexy" but hey whatever shoots the flag pole up works for me!

Dear Vagina,

We've come a long way baby. Who knew all this time that you really just wanted to feel loved and adored. To feel like you were part of the team. I apologize for using you as a means of attention, as some sort of prize for someone else to have, when all along it was my acceptance and trust in you that mattered. 

I'll try to be better. OH, and sorry about that whole painful IUD thing, but neither of us want to ruin this new found relationship!

Your Faithful Servant,

Brooke-I-just-blogged-about-my-vagina-Albertson