September 18, 2013

I've been laughing a lot lately. Good belly laughs and it feels great. I think it really is the best medicine. For instance, today I took my 100 pound dog Beetle outside and as we were walking there was a big puddle from what looked to be the sewer backing up. I stopped and decided to just leap over it, sort of ballerina style. Very graceful, I'm sure you can imagine. I figured Beetle, big boned as she is, would just prance right through it. NO. She looked like she considered her options and then she "jumped" over the puddle. Ok. Ok. I will redefine the word jump in this instance...it was more of a waddle mid air. She cleared the puddle, partly. If she didn't have those pesky back legs she would have totally landed it! I was so astonished that I almost ran into the pine tree. I have never seen her be so proud of herself. Which is good because every time she attempts to get on the couch, I see a brief look of fear and despair as one back leg gets up and as if the sheer will of raising her nose as high as possible will bring the other back leg up she grunts and notches her nose up even higher...and dutifully, the back leg follows. She plops down exasperated, seemingly looking at me like "bring my food over here, I'm never moving again". But then sees the cat and goes flying off the couch ten seconds later. Silly dog. 

Let me take a poll...how drunk do you think someone would have to be, for them to be offered a helmet to wear? bwahahahaahaha...yes, I know a few people that meet this criteria fairly often. But seriously, you're having a great time- boozing and hanging with friends and someone says, hey, you need to wear this helmet because I think you've had too much to drink. I think I would be all shocked like..What! I'm not that drunk, and promptly test gravity by falling down. After I put the helmet on, I might then ask for knee and elbow pads- and it goes without saying, I would want a lid for my cup. In defense of the guy who inspired this, he was on a group beer bike ride..basically everyone pedals while drinking and the one guy who escorts the group steers you all around downtown. So, I suppose a helmet in this instance would be appropriate. Who in the hell wants to peddle while drinking? I mean, I prefer to do my shenanigans in places that let me express my inner dancing queen. Drinking on a bike? Does your butt not hurt as bad after sitting on it that long because you've been drinking? I would insist on an inappropriately loud horn to honk at strangers with because otherwise I would just feel like a douche bag. And what astonishes me are the dudes who came up with this whole idea.."hey dude...you know what would be cool...a big picnic table that holds a keg of beer in the middle."..."Dude! that would be awesome..we could put wheels on it and ride it around..how awesome would that be?!" "freakin awesome dude. pass that bud you're hogging". I might know a few guys who were the creators of this whole hot mess. 

Dear Baby Jesus,

If you can walk on water, and turn that water into wine, would you make a group paddle boat so people could paddle around drinking? Just curious.

Your faithful servant,

Brooke-not-without-my-helmet-Albertson